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Watch out
everyone! This movie reveals every secret, exposes all
truth and solves the mystery of women. Any questions
you've had will be answered, while all hopes and dreams
that you've kept most tender shall be stomped on. Killed
dead. This movie was written, directed and produced
by one woman, Nancy Meyers. Ladies, you've just been
sold out.
It's the
story of the ultimate male chauvinist S.O.B. as interpreted
by Nancy Meyers, appropriate for a "cynical"
Oprah audience, and sweetened heavily with Mel Gibson.
It's all served up to you on a tray of Hallmark political
correctness.
Mel's depiction
of the M.S.P. is a guy who overuses the terms "broads"
and "babes" when he's referring to chicks.
He's a man that avoids women's sports on TV (because
it's not a woman's place), and he sometimes refers to
certain woman as "bitch" (when they're not
around). Still we all can't help but love him because
we all know that deep down inside the womanizers care...
very, very much. They just don't know how to express
their feelings : (
Mel's world
gets turned topsy-turvy when he decides that he's going
to try on woman's clothing / make-up to help him get
a perspective for a line of women's products he has
to promote. So then he falls into a tub of water with
a hairdryer while he's doing this. He survives the massive
electrocution (this part of the movie I found disappointing),
and he obtains a special magic power as a result. He
now has the ability to read the minds of women (because
he was dressed like one when he fell in the tub). Ironically
this is the most believable premise offered up by this
movie.
One of the
premises being that Mel can do comedy. Nancy Meyers
tried to solve her and Mel's comedy handicap by adopting
a mind numbing style of "joke" delivery.
Rule #1: Run-on dialog. There is no #2.
This Run-on dialog technique allows no space in between
gags for an audience to realize how unfunny it is. The
actors are instructed not to pause, hesitate or breath
during the "funny" parts. This means that
no one has to have good timing for punchlines or an
ability to set one up. The awkwardness gets drowned
out by this technique, and the audience gets railroaded
into thinking they're amused. I swear it'll make your
head spin.
So, what
are women thinking? Here's the scoop!
Women are mostly thinking really cute thoughts like
"Uh oh, I just looked at Mel Gibson's groin!"
or "Gosh, why doesn't Mel Gibson ask me out on
a date?"
Women are also
thinking a lot of caring, sensitive thoughts and any "bad
stuff" is always phrased adorably.
Here is what women aren't thinking. They
don't think about anything too controversial (religion,
politics, inappropriate racial jokes, etc...)
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They
never ever think curse words. Instead they use
cute terms like "Schmuk" and "Oopsy!"
They don't think anything that could be considered
conceited or judgmental like, "Christ, this
fucking creepy old man (Mel) thinks he's hot shit!
Quit rubbing on me you perv!"
When it comes to Mel Gibson, women never think
anything more negative than "Hey, lighten
up on the cologne, blue eyes!"
Now
you know. There is no hope.
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Hey
guys! Women love to have their beverages "accidentally"
spilled on their breasts as an excuse to be felt
up. |
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And
for all of you lucky ladies out there thinking these
thoughts, Nancy Meyers has a little present prepared
for you! It's an adorable solo dance number where
Mel showcases his jazzy softshoe. You see, one of
the many sexy things that Mel does when he's alone
(and feeling manly) is dance. What's his masculine
tune of choice you ask? George Thurogood? Ted Nuget?
The Thong Song?
Answer: No. |
Mel
(Nancy Meyers) listens to Sinatra... and dances
around his luxurious penthouse... in the moonlight...
with a coat rack. You'll be wishing him (and perhaps
yourself) dead by a speeding bullet through the
window.
But instead we are privileged to lay our eyes on
the great multitude of women who love everything
about Mel Gibson, and we get to see his character's
dramatic transformation from a cute guy that calls
women "babes" to a cute guy that stops
using the term and cries more. He's two characters
in one! |
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So Mel takes
advantage of his new found power by using women in every
way. He steals their ideas, has sex with them, even
makes them fall in love with him. Then he sees the error
of his ways, just out of the blue.
After Mel
learns all of the lessons Nancy Meyers wants men to
learn, she figures out a way for him to lose the magical
power (I was curious as to how they were going to handle
this). So while walking through Chinatown, an old Chinese
woman telepathically tells him to walk down a particular
alleyway. He is puzzled but obliges her... because she's
Chinese and the encounter seems somehow magical. He
goes down the alley, lightning strikes an electrical
box on a building, sparks fall down on Mel in slow motion,
and his powers vanish! Taken away by God!
Then he goes
and saves a girl's life who he'd once heard thinking
about committing suicide. He stops her and tells her
he's going to give her a huge promotion where he works
(because she's suicidal).
Then he heads
over to Helen
Hunt's house and tells her he loves her. Mel (being
his new honest self) also admits to her that he stole
her good ideas to advance his career. She fires him
(leaving about 2 seconds of suspense) then they fall
in love happily ever after. End of movie.
Except for the suicidal girl he told he was going to
promote before he was fired. Oh well, fuck her. No reason
to revisit that headcase.
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