that can't be missed.


#1 If Christian Slator teaches us anything it's that if stray hairs get in your face leave them be!

#2 Pitiful, hopeless stories from your youth drive the girls crazy! Never get over the traumas! Exploit them and silently wallow in them. It's irresistible!

#3 Be hospitalized. But make sure she knows! If you're not getting her bedside pity you're wasting your time.

#4 Be an orphan! Girls hate competition, and family is competition!
Also, the "I'm an orphan" plea let's you get away with shit no mothered child ever could.

"Sorry I grabbed your breast while you were cutting my hair... I'm an orphan."

"I apologize for weeping in your arms like a preschooler, when you wanted to screw... I'm an orphan."

It worked for Christian, it'll work for you.

Presently there is no set schedule for new reviews, however, I will try to up date every couple of weeks or so.

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Starring: Christian Slator
& Marisa Tomei
Written and Directed by Tony Bill

If you are a guy who has had trouble meeting girls, if you are clueless when it comes to what the opposite sex wants, if everything that you do is wrong when you're pickin' up the babes, this movie is for you!

Never before has there been a clearer portrayal of precisely what a woman wants in the perfect man. The essence of this ideal can be summed up in one sect suggestive name...

Rating: 4 Faces of Pity
Pretentious Piece of Shit
Christian Slator's I-wanna-be-Johny-Depp's-Gilbert-Grape masterpiece.
Touchy Subject Dragged Through the Mud
The best time to make your move on a girl is immediately after she's been raped.
Washed Up Actor needs Money
Christian knew that his days were number. The audience was about to find out for themselves.
Broken Hollywood Thermostat Up your Butt
But you like River Pheonix and Christian is kinda like River!

Christian Slator is Adam, the pseudo mute, antisocial orphan who, as a child, endured a heart transplant that, as an adult, he exploits for pity-fucks. When it comes to what girls want, heart transplanted orphans rank second only to an actual angel fallen straight from Heaven above.

Marisa Tomei is the fun loving waitress Caroline. She doesn't know it yet but her world is about to be turned up-side-down... by a bus boy. Yes, that's right, a bus boy!

Presently only coworkers, Caroline happens upon Adam the bus boy standing over the sink at work staring blankly at his hand. It is bleeding and apparently he's at a loss for what to do next. Caroline takes control of the situation and we the audience are subject to a 2 minute uninterrupted, character development, psycho babble that goes something like this:

“Oh Adam, you cut yourself. Oh my god, this is pretty deep. You're gonna need stitches. Hold it like this. I'm gonna put a Band-Aid on it. You keep it up because... you know what, lemme wash it. Come with me, I'm gonna rinse it off. If it doesn't stop bleeding then, well maybe Jake can take you over to the hospital. Oh oh, sorry sorry sorry! What do you have all over your hands? Is it syrup? Or sap? You're over at that Christmas tree lot during the day, aren't you? Yeah yeah, I've seen you there... haulin' trees. You smell like a Christmas tree, he he. Maybe I'll stick a star on your head huh? I was just kidding.

Who is this girl that won't shut up
and why do I love her so?
I used to love the way our Christmas tree smelled when we were little. Oh brings back memories ya know. When life was simple. Now my parents put up this stupid artificial tree. It's so fake. Just not the same, you know?You just don't talk much do ya'? Don't worry, I'm not gonna make you talk to me. Ha! You'll live. I gotta get back to work."

Following that ugly display Caroline reenters the restaurant where she finds herself waiting on 2 very inconsiderate male customers. To the trained eye they definitely appear to be trouble. How can I tell? Not only are they both wearing black leather gloves (which they neurotically tug at for the camera) but they both smoke! Certainly not the tender heart transplant dreamboats our Caroline favors.
They do their best to "pick her up" but to no avail.

Strolling home late that evening, Caroline is being followed by these 2 guys. They approach her to express their frustrations about not being liked by her. It turns into a chase and they soon catch her. These 2 buddies then begin the standard protocol for a textbook PG-13 rape-in-the-park (throw girl to ground, unzip blouse half way down leaving bra in tact, slam victim's head on ground to stop the screaming and paw at face with gloved hand... while the drinking buddy watches?).

Enter Adam the bus boy to save the day! Heroically sucker punching them both, Adam makes easy work of incapacitating the bad guys. Then he picks up an unconscious Caroline and carries her not to a hospital or police station or a rape victim's counseling facility, but to the porch swing at her home.

If you are ever lucky enough to save a girl getting raped, hang around until she regains consciousness! If she doesn't know that you saved her life she ain't gonna put out! Adam plays this card perfectly! He doesn't wake the parents or run for help, he simply lays her down and anxiously waits for his title of "Hero" to be recognized. When she awakens, Adam plays it cool. Keeping his distance he makes sure she sees him then he runs away. This guy is a pro!

A week later when Caroline finally returns to work Adam plays his trump card. Making sure he is within her eye shot, Adam changes his shirt parading his trophy heart transplant scar. The fish was in the boat, all he had to do was wack her with the oar!
Walking her home that evening, Adam woos her with a head full of shooting star trivia. This however does not distract her enough to come home with him. Still a bit rape-shy, Caroline makes up an excuse and beelines it home.

OK, now the next tactic Adam uses is a little more on the risky side and will usually only work in a scripted movie environment. During the night while she's sleeping, Adam breaks into her home, sneaks into her room and puts a Christmas tree at the foot of her bed. In my experience, recent rape victims will not respond well to this "gesture of love". However, in the movies it'll get you the female lead at your doorstep with fresh baked cookies. Go figure.

So now they're in love. Wait a minute, we're only halfway through the movie? Oh Christ! Are the rapists going to return and avenge their foiled sexual deviance?! Answer: Yes.

Late the following evening, while Adam is taking out the garbage at work, the 2 guys return to even the score... like rapists so often do. Don't they realize that they're just encouraging boatloads of sympathy sex for him?!?

After beating him up and stabbing him, Adam bravely stumbles into the restaurant, collapsing at Caroline's feet. Then after only a day in the hospital, he leaves early, buys flowers and shows up at her doorstep again! Sorry guys, this is what it takes.

From here we are dragged through a passing-of-time collection of key love moments put to a Bruce Hornsby instrumental. It concludes with them at a hockey game and Adam catching a puck followed by slow motion embrace. At this point my pants were soaked with urine.

On their drive home from the game I found myself praying for Lestat to leap out of the back seat and devour Christian and that whipped heart of his. But no, Adam falls asleep and that pathetic, struggling, little heart stops ever so gently. I'll take what I can get.

So there you have it. Perfect love. And with the smile Marisa is sportin' at the conclusion of this flick, we come to realize that it couldn't have ended better.