In wake of the recent controversy surrounding my magnets in Urban Outfitters, and the scourging I've gotten from the news channels & religious America, the timing couldn't have been better for a review of
Mel Gibson's
The Passion of The Christ
2004
Starring: Mel Gibson & Jesus Christ

I'm sure no one would argue that there are an alarming number of similarities between me and Jesus Christ. I mean, it just goes without saying, heh heh.

As the self-proclaimed "God of Atheism," I have been taunted and ridiculed by hate mailers, my good name besmirched on the television, then forsaken by Urban Outfitters and left to hang, crucified to the metaphoric cross I have constructed with my own two hands (fridge magnets). Who better, I ask you, to critique Jesus Christ than the one who's life runs parallel to it?

Before the movie even started I couldn't help but identify with Christ as I was verbally persecuted by the audience behind me.
"What the hell do you think you're doin"? They hissed.
"Show some fucking respect mother fucker!" (All actual quotes).

I couldn't figure out why everyone was so upset with me. Were they judging me simply because of the way I looked? I was here to see Jesus Christ's hot-n-steamy tale of PASSION! This is just not a kind world for a hopeless romantic like myself. My only words to them were, of course: "Forgive them Father, they know not what they do."

So with a popcorn and soda in hand I settled in for what I assumed was going to be an erotic, passionate romance pulled from the life and times of Jesus Christ.

"They did THAT to Him?!? Yuk!"

People, let me say this now... HOLY SHIT!
I have a warning for all of you couples out there; THIS IS NOT A DATE MOVIE! There's no sex! No nudity! In fact, I've never seen a movie with less passionate love scenes than this one! Hardly two minutes into "The Passion," Jesus gets yanked out of His sandals and thrust into some of the most shit-outta-luck predicaments you could ever imagine! A total rip-rourin', head bangin', limb-from-limb-pullin' gangbang unlike anything you've ever seen before! Man, was my face red!

As I sat there watching Jesus Christ get torn to shreds I couldn't believe it! What horrible people everybody was back then! And they never let up! It's like: "Hey, don't blaspheme God, now we're gonna make you wish you'd never been born!"
And I was like, "WHAT THE FUCK!?!"

And I kept waiting for Jesus to teach all of these mo'fo's a lesson. I was thinkin' "Oh man, wait'll they really piss Jesus off! They're gonna pay for that one!" And then they'd just keep kickin' and whippin' Him all over the place... and He didn't do shit! It was unbelievable! "What the hell is going on?" I yelled! "Do something Jesus! What are you waiting for? Kill them with your powers! What's wrong with you!?!?"

And he never did crap. He just kept forgiving them and apologizing for them. I'll warn you now, don't get popcorn and soda before hand. If anything, bring a box of tissues and a fucking barf bag! You're gonna need it..

But then I remembered Rosalinda Celentano was in this movie. Oh my God, Rosa is so fucking HOT! With her head completely shaven (brows and all), she had an attitude that'd bring the most jaded domanatrix to her knees begging for more. My darling red Rose. Everything was gonna be all right as soon as she entered the picture. She kept giving these Cheshire grins and sneaky glares. You just knew she was biding her time before she leaped in to save JC from the Jews. You couldn't help but to be drawn to her despite the maggots in her nostril and the hideous freak-babies she cradled in her arms. I wanted to be the president of her fan club. Oh how I love her!

And then I was like... "Uh, she's not on Jesus' side, is she?" And I started thinkin' : "Oh shit! She's Satan!"

I started to think that maybe this time I'd gotten in a little over my head. When these people see their god being murdered by the devil, well, let's just say that there didn't seem to be an exit close enough for me to escape unscathed. I was shakin' my head and laughin' to myself. What a goof I'd made this time!

When this movie finally ended I realized I had NOT just seen the movie I was expecting to see. As the last credits lifted into the ceiling I stood up angry and turned to the people behind me so that they could all clearly see my frowny-face. No one made eye contact with me. Then as I was putting on my jacket, a full Coca-cola flew by head (no joke). I could hear the wind by my right ear, and it exploded on the floor in front of me. I didn't even flinch. I was still fuming over getting suckered in by the misleading title!

I turned to look again and the guilty gangsta had his head pulled down into his oversized puffy jacket.
"That must mean God's on my side!" I stated loud enough.

As him & his girlfriend strolled by our aisle, I walked out close behind. I was astonished that this little fella (5 foot 4 tops) fell back so readily from defense of his god. He scurried out the door ahead of me.

In the end, I have to admit, I was sure happy that that Coke hadn't smacked me upside the head. I couldn't help but suppose that if instead it'd been Christ on the receiving end He would have been pelted square in the face. It just seemed to be the way His luck had been goin' that day.