that can't be missed.

hey bob,

i don't hate you and i'm not a fan of yours. i don't know you and i won't claim to know you. i'll just start off with quotes from you: "Instead of focusing on the lameness of the film (suburbia) I will be directing your attention to MY OWN LAMENESS that once was." "I had dreams of being as cool and "punk rock" as the characters in this flick." "It wasn't until many years later that I found myself viewing it again through "more mature" eyes and coming to grips with how lame I once was."

let me just say ( since you provided me with the forum to do so) that it's obvious that you were never cool enough to hang with punks and that's why you've probably reinvented yourself at least a hundred different times. that's probably why you feel the need to rag on it so hard now. when someone DREAMS of being "something" or belonging to a certain group of people (as you wanted to be punk) and they don't make it that said person (you) feels the overwhelming need to put it down and make fun of it. Saying that you've viewed this film through more mature eyes is a lie. If you were grown up you would have dealt with those issues of not belonging and viewed the movie as the cultural icon/documentary that it is! not as some spoiled little brat with the obvious: "i'll show them" attitude.

that's all.
alisa
a proud punk from the 80's


Alisa,
As much as I'd like to come at you head on with one of my signature kick ass rebuttals (in a dubious punk rock manner), instead I have to mostly agree... but you've misunderstood my plight! I am admitting here that I was never punk. As much as I wanted it I didn't have it in me. I was a wimpish, new leathered, New Wave, God fearing wanna-be. Christ this really hurts.

I didn't have the guts to really shave my head or wear anything that outrageous. I had nothing to rebel against. My parents let me do what I wanted... because I wasn't going to do anything!

Suburbia is a cultural icon, but it is also silly in many ways (all of which I point out in my review... hilariously). A true depiction of the punk rock movement would be "The Filth and the Fury". After you've seen this documentary on the Sex Pistols you will see the lameness of Suburbia.

Other fantastic depictions of punkrockness would be: Another State of Mind, anything with G.G. Allen, perhaps Return of the Living Dead, and I can't forget The Young Ones. I purposely leave out Sid & Nancy due to the total respect and adoration I have for Johnny Rotten.

Alisa, if you really want even more fuel for your fire, I once ran away to Hollywood to see if that'd make me punk. All it did however was get me on the phone to my parents for a one way ticket home where I was immediately put into art school.

Great, there goes the last of my credibility.
Thanks Alisa!

Even now I'm anticipating the Super Chics all coming up with excuses to have their images removed from my site. Goddamn TRUTH!

hey bob, i like you. honesty is where it's at. i admire that. you're the first person on the net that knows how to not take everything everyone says so seriously.

you've got spunk, kid. bravo!!!
alisa

ps. i agree with you about the filth and the fury.

SUBURBIA
1983
Starring: Flea

Please do not misinterpret my intentions of including this film on my "Worst Movies to be Seen" list. This review is going to stray a bit from the traditional. Instead of focusing on the lameness of the film I will be directing your attention to my own lameness that once was. You see, this movie once ruled my life. I had dreams of being as cool and "punk rock" as the characters in this flick. It wasn't until many years later that I found myself viewing it again through "more mature" eyes and coming to grips with how lame I once was. So, let the lameness begin!

Kevin Johnson is a runaway teen from an abusive, alcoholic single mom. He finds himself downtown, drawn to a late night punk rock club. Inside he is exposed to mohawks, slam dancing and a group molestation of an out of place preppy girl. Unfortunately, Kevin gets drugs slipped into his cola drink leaving him face down in his own vomit outside the club (I guarantee you that no punker has ever slipped drugs into a strangers drink.... they can't afford it.).

Luckily, he is rescued by good Samaritan punk rocker Jack Diddly. Despite his kind heart, Jack is TOTAL ANARCHY! In the first five minutes of their greeting, Jack whips a beer bottle at a bus and says "I hate buses."
But that quote is topped by
"Parents are so lame."
Yup, he's your textbook punker.

So they're off to pick up Jack's burnout punker friend Joe Blow. This kid totally looks like Dominic from MTV's The Real World L.A, but that's a whole other set of issues that I'm dealing with. Joe lives with his gay dad and his dad's gay lovers in a gay apartment complex, so Jack and Kevin pick him up and take him to T.R. House.

What is T.R. House you ask? T.R. stands for "The Rejected" and the house is a safe haven for runaway punks in search of a new, more rockin' family environment. It is surrounded by vacant lots that are infested by wild dogs. Legend has it that these dogs were abandoned by there owners thus forcing them to fend for themselves. See the analogy? Yeah, I thought you did.
There are red necks who hunt these dogs-gone-wild. So here we are subjected to a series of slow motion dog shootings that the director accomplished by stringing up trip wires and letting the dogs run through them. There are several dogs tripping head over heals to give the illusion of being shot. Wow, now that's acting!

Soon Kevin is one of the gang. His head is shaved and he's branded with the T.R. initials. Let me stress that my punk rockiness was not quite as rockin' as these folks. I lived with my parents in a non-abusive home, attending a church youth group every Wednesday evening and my hair was spiked with "Studio" brand mousse, but this film educated me with the "street smarts" to play my own make-believe punker lifestyle on the rough streets of Country Village Estate, Lakewood, Colorado.

Kevin soon discovers that his mom was in a drunk driving accident. This leaves his 8 year old brother destined for a foster home. So the T.R. gang comes to the rescue, bringing him to The House and giving him the standard mohawk haircut, Indian war paint and a cocky new attitude.

This leads us to the coolest scene ever filmed in American history. It's a "Reservoir Dogs-esque" group strut shot. The 10 strong T.R. gang is walking down a suburban sidewalk in slow motion to a punkish bass track. Everyone's at their coolest... Skinnard the skinhead, Peg leg, the Goth twins, Chili Pepper's Flea and the rest of T.R. and last but not least is 8 year old Ethan with the wickedest strut of them all. I guarantee you that this is the scene that inspired the intro to Quentin's "Reservoir Dogs" (and he only did it half as good).
The R
ejected
I could only dream of this scenario. Where could one such as I find punker friends with so much direction and purpose?

Let it be known that no real actors were used in this film (and it shows). They promo this movie like this is a good thing, but watching REAL punk rockers read lines is a hoot.. especially the skinheads.

It was easy to see that actual punks influenced this storyline. These were the fantasies dreamed up on a cheap beer buzz. However the girls are just as I remember them being. They giggled endlessly at the "guess-what-chicken-butt" interactive joke. They were definitely the real thing... it's scary! The character that Flea was improvising (Razzle) had the strangest quirk. After saying his lines he'd immediately go stone faced, staring emotionless at the listener. It was perplexing but oh so very strange like a young Flea certainly was.

Of course the local red necks eventually want the trouble-making T.R. gang out of the house and out of the neighborhood, but they ain't leaving without a fight!

Once again, here is another 80s flick that included the staple strip club scene. You have to wait until 10 minutes to the movie's end, but it's cheesy, implanted and bouncy!

This is the one movie that I will not reveal the ending of. This isn't necessary to illustrate my general impressionability at that time. If I hadn't bought this movie hook, line and sinker it'd have probably only been at 8 or 9 on my list, but I was sold. No doubt, this flick was the shit, therefore it must be seen and the truth about a teenage Normal Bob Smith exposed.

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WORST MOVIE#10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1