that must be missed.



Mel's an interesting fella. I knew that I'd hit the nail on the head (and right through to the wood) when I reviewed
"What Women Want" just a couple years ago. This drop dead gorgeous heartthrob has never played a character who was any less than Christ-like. I was totally intrigued with his portrayal of "evil." He chose to use these little dwarves with ugly genetic diseases to depict the demons and helpers of Satan. These things put that Leprechaun guy to shame. I couldn't help but wonder how these people were approached to play these roles... especially by someone as gorgeous as Mel.

Mel: "We're looking for actors who are creepy as hell and hideously grotesque to play the spawn of Satan, and you li'l fellas totally fit the bill!"
I love thinkin' about that kind of shit. God, I hate Mel Gibson.
And I was so happy that I'd gone wearing my protest.

I'll tell ya, if you're wanting to go see this movie just to see what all of the hype is about, wait for VHS... in the dollar bin at your local grocery. And please don't go thinking it's a neat way to somehow be a part of history. This flick does not deserve such a validating statement from 21st century modern man.

The only reason to go see it is to protest. To simply be another dollar in the pocket of Lethal Weapon 8 has to be the highest level of perversion known to man, unless it's in protest.

A couple weeks ago Skater Bob and I stood outside of a movie theater that was playing "The Passion" and handed out Jesus Dress Up fliers to people.

"You've seen the movie, now dress Him up!" & "Play Mel Gibson's Jesus Dress Up!" We shouted.

We got some giggles and we got some angry protests.

And let me remind everybody that I was cashing in on Jesus' sacrifice long before Mel. In fact, he's the one trying to cash in on my magnet success! They're all trying to cash in on my idea!



Everyone!
Copycat bastards!

In wake of the recent controversy surrounding my magnets in Urban Outfitters, and the scourging I've gotten from the news channels & religious America, the timing couldn't have been better for a review of
Mel Gibson's
The Passion of The Christ

2004
Starring: Mel Gibson
& Jesus Christ

Normal Bob Smith gives Mel Gibson $10.50 to see his movie!


I'm always up for a good love story.

I'm sure no one would argue that there are an alarming number of similarities between me and Jesus Christ. I mean, it just goes without saying, heh heh.

As the self-proclaimed "God of Atheism," I have been taunted and ridiculed by hate mailers, my good name besmirched on the television, then forsaken by Urban Outfitters and left to hang, crucified to the metaphoric cross I have constructed with my own two hands (fridge magnets). Who better, I ask you, to critique Jesus Christ than the one whose life runs parallel to it?


Before the movie even started I couldn't help but identify with Christ as I was verbally persecuted by the audience behind me.
"What the hell do you think you're doin"? They hissed.
"Show some fucking respect mother fucker!"
(All actual quotes).

I couldn't figure out why everyone was so upset with me. Were they judging me simply because of the way I looked? I was here to see Jesus Christ's hot-n-steamy tale of PASSION! This is just not a kind world for a hopeless romantic like myself. My only words to them were, of course: "Forgive them Father, they know not what they do."

So with a popcorn and soda in hand I settled in for what I assumed was going to be an erotic, passionate romance pulled from the life and times of Jesus Christ.


"They did THAT to Him?!? Yuk!"


People, let me say this now, HOLY SHIT!
I have a warning for all of you couples out there; THIS IS NOT A DATE MOVIE! There's no sex! No nudity! In fact, I've never seen a movie with less passionate love scenes than this one! Hardly two minutes into "The Passion," Jesus gets yanked out of His sandals and thrust into some of the most shit-outta-luck predicaments you could ever imagine! A total rip-rourin', head bangin', limb-from-limb-pullin' gangbang unlike anything you've ever seen before! Man, was my face red!


I was like, "WHAT - THE - FUCK!?!"


"Oh shit, are you guys in trouble! Wait'll you see all the magic powers Christ has up His sleeve for you chumps!"

As I sat there watching Jesus Christ get torn to shreds I couldn't believe it! What horrible people everybody was back then! And they never let up! It's like: "Hey, don't blaspheme God, now we're gonna make you wish you'd never been born!"
And I was like, "WHAT THE FUCK!?!"

And I kept waiting for Jesus to teach all of these mo'fo's a lesson. I was thinkin' "Oh man, wait'll they really piss Jesus off! They're gonna pay for that one!" And then they'd just keep kickin' and whippin' Him all over the place... and He didn't do shit! It was unbelievable! "What the hell is going on?" I yelled! "Do something Jesus! What are you waiting for? Kill them with your powers! What's wrong with you!?!?"

And he never did crap. He just kept forgiving them and apologizing for them. I'll warn you now, don't get popcorn and soda before hand. If anything, bring a box of tissues and a fucking barf bag! You're gonna need it.


But then I remembered Rosalinda Celentano was in this movie. Oh my God, Rosa is so fucking HOT! With her head completely shaven (brows and all), she had an attitude that'd bring the most jaded domanatrix to her knees begging for more. My darling red Rose. Everything was gonna be all right as soon as she entered the picture. She kept giving these Cheshire grins and sneaky glares. You just knew she was biding her time before she leaped in to save JC from the Jews. You couldn't help but be drawn to her despite the maggots in her nostril and the hideous freak-babies she cradled in her arms. I wanted to be the president of her fan club. Oh how I love her!

And then I was like... "Uh, she's not on Jesus' side, is she?" And I started thinkin' : "Oh shit! She's Satan!"


Hot and spicy Rosalinda Celentano

Then I began to worry. I looked down and remembered how I'd come dressed to this thing, and I nervously peered over my shoulder at the crowd. Everyone was totally hatin', and I was like, "Uh... ohhhhhhh!"


"What the hell is going on?" I yelled! "Do something Jesus! What are you waiting for? Kill them with your powers! What the hell are you waiting for!?!?"

I started to think that maybe this time I'd gotten in a little over my head. When these people see their god being murdered by the devil, well, let's just say that there didn't seem to be an exit close enough for me to escape unscathed. I was shakin' my head and laughin' to myself. What a goof I'd made this time!

When this movie finally ended I realized I had NOT just seen the movie I was expecting to see. As the last credits lifted into the ceiling I stood up angry and turned to the people behind me so that they could all clearly see my frowny-face. No one made eye contact with me. Then as I was putting on my jacket, a full Coca-cola flew by head (no joke). I could hear the wind by my right ear, and it exploded on the floor in front of me. I didn't even flinch. I was still fuming over getting suckered in by the misleading title!



Did you know that they LITERALLY nailed Him to that thing? Christ! I didn't! Ouch!

I turned to look again and the guilty gangsta had his head pulled down into his oversized puffy jacket.
"That must mean God's on my side!"
I stated loud enough.

As him & his girlfriend strolled by our aisle, I walked out close behind. I was astonished that this little fella (5 foot 4 tops) fell back so readily from defense of his god. He scurried out the door ahead of me.

 

In the end, I have to admit, I was sure happy that that Coke hadn't smacked me upside the head. I couldn't help but suppose that if instead it'd been Christ on the receiving end He would have been pelted square in the face. It just seemed to be the way His luck had been goin' that day.




Dear Bob Smith....
You misguided individual...I genuinely feel sorry for you. Yea! I am a Bible Thumper...And Yea, it is cool to be a Cristian, and No Jesus will not be mocked without Him getting awefully pissed off! Your Jesus fridge magnet thing is JUST PLAIN WRONG! Especially seeing Jesus on the cross like that! Yea...ok...seenig the devil hanging on the cross would be mighty righteous, and someday he may be begging for it after he sees what Jesus Christ has instore for him. But mocking Our Lord on the cross is just disgusting! Do you even know why God the Father send His Son to die on the cross? Has anyone ever taught you that the reason He suffered so treacherously was for YOU!? He died for each of US PAST PRESENT AND FUTURE...(those who were born in His time...before His time...and those in the future of His death). Jesus so sincerly suffered having his body mutilated ... ripped to shreds by being whipped and crucified...having a crown made of thorns POUNDED into his skull JUST FOR YOU! He died so that your soul would never have to suffer the PAINS OF HELL! Hell is so unimanginable, it would make you puke your guts out if you knew what happens to those who are sent there. OK...hypothetically speaking...would you rather live in squallor under a dumpster, scavaging for other peoples garbage to eat, or would you rather live in an awesome penthouse somewhere, without ever having to worry about bills, or where your next meal is coming from, or what you will wear?

This is why Jesus died for you...all the 'bills or debts of you soul' are ALREADY PAID OFF!!! Because of what Jesus has done for you! He is our 'ebinezer'. Back in ancient times, some kindly beneficiary who was willing to take on another person's debt in order to save them from severe retribution was called and 'ebinezer' or debt payer. Tell me this...would YOU be willing to have your flesh pulled off in huge strips, have spikes pounede into your hands and feet...have people spit on you and hurl insults to you and have a spear thrust into your ribs for a thankless bunch of people or even a close friend (only one person?). Think about it...YOU are that one person...as well as each person from eternity and beyond! Jesus knows exactly WHO YOU ARE! He knows every fibre of your being...He knows everythought that was ever in your mind...or that will ever be. He felt it when someone hurt you, he felt your tears, he felt your broken heart, he knows your poverty of soul and spirit, and as a Loving Friend, He wants you to be whole and healthy and happy. If you will only ask it of Him. HONESTLY! ask one who knows...me! I was into all sorts of evil things that was making satan the happiest piece of stench in the world! And that's exactly who the majority of the world belongs to right now...satan. But those who persue a life with Christ may not necessarily be the richest or happiest IN THIS WORLD, but we have Jesus ' PROMISE OF A HAPPY, WEALTHY, ETERNAL life with Him in His kingdom after we are called to be with Him. (but that's a whole other story...very lengthy) But basically...Jesus gereously gave his own life for us, so that we will not have to suffer the pains of hell.

Have you ever seen the 'Passion of the Christ' film? if not...lets put it this way...I DARE YOU TO SEE IT. I truely dare you to see this film and not have it change your heart a little bit.

I as a Christian and Friend
L. Kester @www.rapturelady7@aol.com

"Christianity...the toughest job you'll ever love"


Mrs. Kester,
I am about to blow your mind right now. Listen to this: I went to see the Passion, and I watched it all from start to finish, and my heart WAS indeed moved! Unfortunately it was only moved in a direction further away from the bible and its incredible stories.

"What?! How could that be?!" You ask abruptly. "How could anybody sit through that movie and not fall for it, hook, line and sinker?!?!"

Well, L.K, get a load of this. Mel Gibson's movie proved nothing to me except that it's the amount of suffering that matters, and not whether it actually happened. I walked away from this film with a friend, both of us utterly disturbed at the thought of people regressing back to primitive superstitions on account of those disturbing images.

I have a question for you. Wouldn't've Mel's time been better spent doing what Michael Moore did? He could have used that budget and drive to research the authenticity of the bible, compiled the evidence and proved it all true! What a wonderful contribution that would have been for those who witness to the lost and fallen. It would have been a ground breaking film, instead of just a retold story, only with better special effects this time.

Mel could've really proved his point and even gotten cocky about it, defeating the lies (manifested by Satan) and used his power to accumulate the greatest collection of pro bible evidence the world has ever seen, crushing the evil scientists who've denounced Creationism for oh so many years, leaving them to writhe in there own misinformation.

Mrs. L? Why didn't Mel make that movie? Unfortunately I think I know the answer to that question (and so do you). Because none of that information exists, so the only other way to perpetuate the myth is by fucking with people's fears, insecurities and superstitions. This is the movie I witnessed and it only solidified my belief that it is all make-believe.

Bob

PS. Someone should make a 2 hour movie of Santa crying so that adults will believe in him also.

 


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