Hate mail begins it’s unavoidable decent into the bottom of the barrel of armchair philosophy in The files of Chantal. And I am forced to reexamine everything I thought I was so sure about.
It’s been a grueling coupla weeks, and what better way to get through it than some irritating hate mailer talkin’ shit about who knows what?? You may recognize the name Juliann Lisanby from past pages of hate mail where I accidentally repeated his letters. I do that every so often, but don’t despair! The conversation has continued far beyond that so they’ve all been scooped up and grouped together in what the world will now recognize as The Juliann Lisanby files.
It was about 6 years ago that I first created the GOD IS FAKE flyer to hand out on the streets of New York City. Over those years it’s definitely become a compulsory action on my part, leaving flyers behind on subway seats, dressing room benches and toilet tanks. Handing them to friends & foes, pests & polites, cute girls & douchbag guys, street preachers, pastors, sunday schoolteachers and even a nun or two. I’ve even gone so far as slipping them into people’s shopping bags, open purses and unzipped backpacks. No doubt, I’ve taken it to obsession levels. Call it what you will.
They’ve also come in more than handy the multitude of times I’ve been approached by the religious with their own flyers. One of my little GOD IS FAKEs has opened up a whole new world of entertainment, despite it eventually getting torn in half and thrown at my feet. I’ve spent hours in dialog with believers whose initial intention was to dominate a conversation with stories of Jesus and my potential salvation, but instead only allowed for me to beautifully sculpt further in-depth reasons why I don’t believe, and they shouldn’t either. They’ve most definitely been a blessing.
In my time I’ve heard on more than a few occasions that a true American believes in God, and the evidence of which is the statement printed on the back of our currency. There’s hardly any argument I find more irritating and further from the point.
So recently I’ve armed myself with yet another menacing tool for upsetting strangers, only this time the message is a lot less likely to be torn to shreds! It’s the GOD IS FAKE money stamp, and I’ve already found myself addicted to stamping the backs of bills, and the beauty of the image it leaves behind.
I’m having 50 of these rubber stamps handmade here in the neighborhood and selling them for as reasonable a price as I can, with the option of a red stamp pad – which you’d be astonished how difficult they are to find wholesale!
Label it “activism” or “art” or possibly just “annoyance,” but whichever it is I’ve found a fun new hobby that leads to some sort of entertainment that I don’t have a name for.
I’ve also stamped more than a few Bibles here and there because it works just as well on the words: Jesus, Holy Spirit, Christ & Satan! I’ve yet to get my hands on a Koran or Torah, but I can only assume it works just as well on Allah, Muhammad, Yahweh & Moses too. I’m hoping people out there will show me a multitude of usages the stamp can be used. Hint: The word “Christ” is in “Christmas.”
I have been informed this may all be semi-illegal, defacing government property and all, but who’d ever get anything done if we wasted our time worrying about what the government thinks?
the God is Fake money stamp
Long time friend of the site (sidebar pg 377) is now the glorious new Super Chic! Unbelievable punkabilly sexability morphed in girlie pinup madness, Severed Moi!
“Hey Normal Bob,
As an atheist, I really respect people like Dawkins and Hitchens…people who take on theists in calm, reasonable debate (and win!) I think you do a much better job on your website when you debate people in the street and put forward a case for atheism.
Having said that, I think you have a bit of a God Obsession. Not that atheists should have undue respect for religions, they like all things in a free democracy..are open to mockery etc. But as an individual, you seem to spend all of your time thinking about him (how he 100% does not exist, and drawing pictures of him, and making jokes about him, and dressing up as the devil etc.) Not being too catty here, but how old are you? For personal reassurance, do you have a life outside of all of this? Are you married, do you have a non-God themed job? It all just seems a bit….fifteen years old.
Plus, I note the slight hypocrisy that in your debates you say “life should be lived to make other people’s lives better” etc.
But on your own website act like a complete jerk! “Terror ran through me because nothing creeps me out more than giant moles on people’s faces….I immediately turned my back on her daddy long-leg.” Seriously….? Can you really imagine Dawkins ever writing that….? That’s someone’s kid you are talking about.
Again, I do not really know how much the atheist community needs an ageing man dressed up in a devil outfit, being an arse..and annoying people… as a spokesperson.
From an atheist to an atheist.
A few weeks ago, just before Halloween, I went to Texas to visit Super Chic Christy, her friends, family and the city of Austin. On the last evening of my trip we were invited to go to an authentic Hell House, Texas style! So a whole bunch of us piled into vehicles and headed for the event. It was all very last minute.
It ended up not being quite what we expected as it was laid out on a stage which we sat in the audience of and watched, like a play. It was a HUGE church. A “Megachurch” as they say, and the place was packed. We were shown our seats off to the right of the stage. Everyone was very polite and helpful. And there before us was heaven! A giant castle shaped mound of draping white sparkling fabric everywhere, with a doorway in the middle, and angels perched randomly around it, wings, dresses, blond wigs and all. It was the gaudiest heaven depiction you could ever imagine. Actually, it’s just how I’d always imagined it. From one end of the stage to the other. It was a sight to behold.
So the show was what you’d expect. It was a series of skits about people doing things that were going to get them damned to hell. There was a suicidal girl who was being taunted and degraded by Satan until she shot herself in the head. Oh! And their Satan was a complete rip-off of Skeletor. Undoubtedly the best performer of the night however. Anyhow, there were gangbanger kids who did a drive-by shooting then crashed their car and went to hell. I believe there was a drug skit too. They didn’t however touch on abortion or homosexuality which I thought were standard churchie lecturedom. It surprised me.
But it was the last story of the evening that was most amazing. It was the moral of the event’s plot. It was about a Christian family being held prisoner in Iraq …possibly communist Russia. Or it could have even been Nazi Germany. It was hard to tell exactly. The accents of the soldiers were all over the place, and quite frankly their uniforms looked American, except for the berets, which was the “foreign” element of the costume I assume.
So here’s this family- father, mother, teenage emo son, and 9 year old little girl, all being held at gunpoint by these enemy soldiers. The commander is screaming at them, “So! You’re all Christians, huh? Believe in Jesus and think you’re going to heaven for believing in Jesus, huh?!”
“Yes, me and my family are Christians and we believe in Jesus!” The father replied.
The guards responded to this by pointing their guns in their faces while the commander continued, “We’ll just see about that! If you do not denounce Jesus Christ we’re going to execute you! Each and everyone of you! You will die here tonight if you do not reject Jesus!!!”
The mother and daughter fake cried into the shoulders of dad, while the insecure kid playing the emo son did his best to look like he was part of the acted drama.
“Each of you will be shot dead if you do not reject Christianity and Jesus Christ right here, right now! I will give you 5 minutes alone together to make your decision!”
And the soldiers walked away.
So the family was there fake crying and such. “Acting.” The wife cried “Oh Peter, what are we going to do? They’re going to kill us if we don’t denounce Jesus!”
“Elizabeth,” the father consoled, “Jesus has always been there to get us through the hard times. He promised us in the Bible he would watch over us and guarantee us eternal paradise if we believed in him. We will not denounce him, because we all have unwavering faith he is our savior!”
“Oh Peter, I completely agree! I love Jesus! He’s always watched over us, and I believe he’s watching over us all here, right now!”
“Kids? Do you agree? Do you believe in Jesus and trust him?”
“Daddy, I love Jesus and would never deny him! I believe in him, mommy and daddy! I believe!” the daughter cried. They all cried.
Then the soldiers returned, pointed their guns in the family’s faces, and the commander yelled, “So, have you made your decision, Anderson family?! Do you denounce Jesus Christ, or are you going to DIE?!?!”
To which the father stood and said, “My family and I have discussed it, and we WILL NOT denounce Jesus!”
The audience cheers.
“THEN YOU WILL EACH DIE!” And the solders shot the father, the mother, and the son, who all dramatically fell to the ground, dead. Then, the commander with his handgun pointed at the 9 year old little girl and shouted angrily, “Little girl, are you sure you do not denounce Jesus Christ!? Are you prepared to die like your family!? You have one more chance to change your mind!!”
The daughter stood and she stated, “I will……….. NEVER denounce Jesus! He is my savior and I love him!”
“THEN DIE!” And everything goes black. There’s a gunshot with a flash of light, and quiet.
When the lights come on we’re all back at that gaudy heaven display I described earlier, with the angels, and Gabriel at the doorway in front of a giant book. Then up comes the Anderson family, casually strolling into the scene.
“Look daddy! Is this Heaven!?! It’s more beautiful than I imagined!” the little girl joyfully cried.
“See?” Daddy said, “I told you Jesus’ promise was true! This is heaven! We made it to heaven!”
Then the angel Gabriel, with his book open in front of him said, “Is this the Anderson family?”
“Yes, that’s us!” the father responded.
“Peter Anderson!” Gabriel boomed. To which the father stepped up from his family and did a dance. No kiddin’. He did a little dance like a middle aged man who’s making a joke about how he can’t dance. The audience laughs, cheers and whistles.
“Peter anderson! You did NOT denounce Jesus and you were a good Christian! You are here in the Book Of Life and get to come into Heaven!”
The father does a fist pump “YES!” and returns to his family.
“Elizabeth Anderson!” The wife steps in front of the angel and she does the middle-aged woman dance. The audience whistles, cheers and laughs some more.
“You too were a good Christian and believed in Jesus until the very end! You are in the Book Of Life and get to come into heaven!”
She then returns to her family.
The emo teen comes into the spotlight and does a typical insecure looking dance, raising the roof and such. The audience laughs and cheers.
“You too are in the Book Of Life and get to enter heaven!”
Then finally the daughter is called forward, she dances cutely, gets into heaven, the audience cheers and laughs, and so fourth.
Then, quite abruptly, Gabriel says, “Anderson family! We have one last surprise for you! Do you remember many years ago little Suzy, your other child who died so young?”
And the mother, with her hands covering her face, nods and says “Yes! Oh yes I do!”
Then Gabriel motioned towards heaven’s doorway with his hand. “Little Suzy, come out here and be with your family!”
And out of that doorway appears a cute little three year old in a white dress and angel wings, bashfully stepping out into the spotlight. The crowd goes bananas with “awws” and cheers and clapping. The works.
And they all run up, group hug and stampede into heaven. The End.
All of us left at that point to go have delicious mexican food. We kind of had to hurry out of there before the restaurant closed. Everything in Austin closes at 9, but we made it in time, and the cheese enchiladas there were truly amazing.
It’s hard to find good Mexican food in New York City.
The show was put on by GLORY AND FIRE INC.
I realize I’m not the originator of this, I do not know who made the one I first saw, but when I did I knew it was good. So the other day I couldn’t help myself, stopped off at my local rubber stamp store and had one made just for me! My very own GOD IS FAKE stamp! And Christ, it’s FUN!
So after stamping all the bills in my wallet and my secret stash under my mattress, all my friends’ bills, and asking everyone I came into contact with for a dollar, which I’d stamp & return, I withdrew all my savings, stamped it, every last one, and redeposited it to guarantee my money was branded MY MONEY!
But my peace of mind was short lived.
After a long day of stamping every bill I encountered, I remembered what I always remember: The Bible. THE BIBLE!! And immediately I got to work stamping out God verse by verse, page by page, all night long until the sun came up.
I can’t say enough how satisfying blotting out the word God can be. I’ve even started accepting tracts from proselytizers again just to show off my new stamp to them!
I’m still not entirely happy with the legibility of the “IS FAKE” portion so I’m stopping back at the stamp maker’s with a thinner, simpler font. I’ll be sure to let you know how that all goes. Also, to be quite honest, I’m pretty sure it’s illegal to be doing this, so please, let’s keep this between you and me. I suppose that also explains why it’s so much fun. And best of all this takes care of my stocking-stuffers for everyone on my shopping list this Xmas (emphisizing the “X”). [Available as of Nov. 19th, 2009]
Having trouble thinking of something original, fun, useful and outrageous to get for someone you care about this Christmas? Well, nothing’s more off-the-wall than a personalized dress up game! And coincidentally they’re my specialty.
In the past I’ve done dressup games for girl’s boyfriends, people’s bosses, husbands & wives, even super discount ones just for fun! Does your father-in-law have a superhero he’s always wanted to be dressed up as? Do you have a girlfriend whose only chance of getting that $1,200 D&G purse is to have it drawn on a cartoon image of her? Well then, I’m the guy to call.
Email me and I’d be delighted to hear exactly what you had in mind and give you a reasonable quote. email@example.com
Make it the best Christmas EVER!!!