7 thoughts on “Jan. 3rd, 2009

  1. Leif Pederson

    I have been freed from belief in the great Lord Feeg for several years, and yet I still cannot bring myself to write his name without a capital F! How strong is the hold he had over me for so many years!

    Like many others, I was drawn into belief in Feeg when I was in high school. I was young and naive, and I had a crush on a girl in my class. She, of course, was a devout Feegmite, and invited me to the “Feegies of Tomorrow” meetings for people our age who might be interested. The bright lights and intensely charismatic appeal of the speaker drew me in, and soon I, too, was claiming belief in Feeg.

    I would be there to this day were it not for two main events. The first began occurring when I was just about to graduate from high school. I noticed many of my Feegmite friends were running around during the day and yelling at the walls and furniture, clapping their hands and waving their feet! I asked them what they were doing, and they explained. “You see,” they said, “the evil Dargmoth has many vile henchmen, called Beans, that he sends forth to wreck havoc on the Feegmites of the world. To fight this, Lord Feeg has empowered certain Feegmites with the ability to see these Beans (who are invisible to regular people) and send them back to the Jelly Sea!” As it happened, most of my friends realized they had this power (most discovering it just moments after learning about the Beans themselves), and so they began questing against the work of Dargmoth and his Beans every chance they got. Nothing was beyond the power of these Beans – if your toast was burnt, it was a Bean. If your car wouldn’t start, it was a Bean. If you went to a Feegmite Base and everyone there knew you had a cigarette the other day with some friends (but the other friends were not implicated)… you guessed it. Bean.

    I wondered at this, and asked my Feegmite instructor about it one day. He became very angry, and told me that Lord Feeg was unhappy with my lack of trust in his powers! I was exiled from the Base for two weeks as a way of helping me “trust in Feeg more.” While I was away, my girlfriend came to see me at my house. It is true, I won the girl from long ago with my wiles (and devotion to Feeg, of course). She was concerned about me, and decided to cook me supper. We spent a wonderful night hanging out and talking about the wonderful Feeg, because of course there really was nothing else we ever wanted to talk about. At night’s end I found myself not becoming tired, but rather wanting to get closer to my love. We began to kiss, and for the first time in our relationship I decided to try and touch her while we did so. I slid my hand upon her knee, and the feelings were incredible! I was blown away by how amazing a feeling could be that had nothing to do with Feeg! I had been told that only Lord Feeg could make me happy, but here I was with someone else, and she was able to do the same!

    Then it hit me – her hand, that is. She slapped me twice, stood up and turned to leave the house. Before she left, however, she returned to me, placed a bag over my head, and told me to ask Lord Feeg to free me from the power of Dargmoth which had obviously consumed me!

    Well, I never did ask Feeg to help me. I took the bag off my head, went to bed, and the next day began life without thinking of that shiny smiling face or the ever-polished boots. My old Feegmite friends stopped talking to me, only stopping every so often to wave a shoe towards me and yell at the Beans they saw crawling over my clothes. I made new friends, and now I am happy and alive, free from the crippling agony of Feegism. How strange it is even thinking about it now! Of course, I am sure you know the same feelings of joy and wonder that came with your first encounter with a woman who did not believe in Feeg either – and what she was willing to do with you. Oh life outside Feegism, what a joy! Thank you so much for allowing us this open forum to get these stories off our chests!

  2. Apostate Lois

    Dear Bob,
    I used to be a devout Feegmite at one time, too. I was raised to believe in the Great Omnimax God, Lord Feeg, and to believe that he hears our prayers and loves us very much and will grant us our wishes if we believe really, really, super-duper hard. I attended church every Sunday at the local First United Amalgamated New Life Gospel Semi-Orthodox Assembly of Feeg and was baptized at the age of 10. I really, truly, believed that Feeg sent His Son, Edgar, to die for our sins by impaling himself on a forklift.

    As I grew older, I began to hear stories that Lord Feeg wasn’t real. This was absurd–of course he was real! Hadn’t my parents told me so? And all those nice people in my church, and all those thousands and thousands of other Feegmites…they couldn’t all be wrong! I mean, there’s NO WAY that you could get so many people to believe in a lie, the very notion was ridiculous. I tried to avoid listening to or reading such stories because I knew they were the work of Dargmoth of the Jelly Sea and his evil Bean Minions and he was only trying to lure me away from Lord Feeg the Beneficent. Well, as you might guess, there were those who said that Dargmoth was a myth, as well, that everything I believed in was a lie.

    I decided that the only way to prove such people wrong was to beat them at their own game. I began studying our holy scriptures, the Book of the Way of Feeg (14th Revised Standard International Edition with Low-Cal Recipes), looking for all these “errors” and “contradictions” people kept mentioning. To my dismay, they seemed to be right! However, I could always justify them by insisting that perhaps the translators had got something wrong, or there was a deeper meaning we just couldn’t understand with our finite human minds and only the Sacred Spook could make it known to us when we were ready. Who are we to question Feeg, He of the Glowing Yellow Boots? But then I found scriptures stating that his shoes were orange. Some said he wears a top hat and others say he wears a baseball cap. How confusing it all became!

    Then I studied other religions, and found that they, too, had gods with amazing miraculous powers, gods who talked to people and answered prayers. I began to see that Feeg was no different than these other gods, and if he was real, then they must be, too…. or else none of them were real at all. So I decided to do a test. I would offer prayers to Feeg and to several other gods and see if any of them answered. I decided to pray for bigger boobs. I prayed first to Feeg, waited a week, and when my knockers remained stubbornly at a C-cup, I figured I would try another god. So I prayed to Zeus…then to Odin…then to Ahura Mazda…then to Quetzalcoatl…and to a bunch of other gods, waiting one week between each prayer, figuring at least ONE of them would want me to have huge gazongas! Alas, even after 50 gods, my prayer was never answered. Then I thought perhaps I was being too selfish and should pray for something to benefit someone else (although, technically, you would think boobs fall into that category). So I prayed for President George Bush, Jr. to become a really SMART president. I think we all know the results of THAT little experiment. Then I saw a homeless guy with no legs sitting on a street corner in a wheelchair, and I figured that here, at last, was a prayer that was completely unselfish that surely any god would be willing to grant. I prayed to all these different gods, one by one, to heal the man and make his legs grow back so that he could get a job and have a home and stuff, but nothing much happened except that the guy looked at me funny and asked if I had any spare change. So I gave him five bucks and a leftover marijuana brownie (because, you know, we don’t do enough to help the homeless these days), and went away very disillusioned.

    Eventually, I came to accept that Feeg, the God I had worshiped all my life, as well as His only Son, Edgar, and even Dargmoth of the Jelly Sea and his evil Bean Minions, were all myths as much as any other collection of deities. Now I am free of the fear of being clobbered about the head by Bean Minions for a gazillion years. Nor do I have to put a paper bag over my head and pray all my sins into it–although some people have suggested I wear one as a matter of course. It seems that I scare small children.

  3. Father R. Ignatius Pugh

    You lying atheistic cowards; you will suffer in hell for your pride and ignorance.

    You were never true Feegmites, or you would never have left the path of The Great and Mighty Feeg; once you have truly felt his warm overwhelming love inside you, you are not the same person. Turning your back on Him is as unthinkable as cutting off your own arm.

    I feel sorry for you, unless you go to your Feegmite Minister NOW and beg him to chastise you thoroughly with his love-truncheon you are lost to Dargmoth and a million billion years of serious clobbering.

    Please go to your local Feegmite Friendship Hall THIS SUNDAY and confess your failures and weaknesses into the paper bag, burning it in front of all your family and friends so you can be free from Dargmoth’s filthy insidious whispering, then you can come home where you belong.

    Lord Feeg loves you, and He wants your love in return, otherwise He’ll hurt you … badly, a lot, for a very long time.

  4. Bean

    Dear Bob,

    I too was exposed to Feegmatism at a fairly young age, though it wasn’t really because of my family. See, my father was a Feegmite who had sort of fallen away from his beliefs, and my mother was a non-practicing Smoogie. Through them, I learned about Lord Feeg, but only in the context that I was supposed to be good because acting like a tard made Feeg sad. There was never a threat of the Jelly Sea and an eternity with Dargmoth and his Beans. No, I didn’t learn about true Feegmatism until a family moved in next door who were die-hard Feegmites. They eat, slept, and breathed Feegmatism, but they worshipped slightly different than the other Feegs I knew. They were more concerned about Lord Feeg’s illigitimate son, whom they called Sausage. Well, I had never heard of Sausage, so of course I was intrigued. They explained to me that Sausage died on a giant hibatchi for the sins of the Feegs. I didn’t quite understand why he had to do this, but they said Lord Feeg told him he had to. They also introduced me to the Sacred Trident: Lord Feeg, Sausage, and the Talking Walnut. Now I was REALLY confused. I knew of Feeg and was slowly learning of Sausage, but now there was a Talking Walnut? They explained that Feeg, Sausage and the Walnut were all one and the same. HUH??? I couldn’t grasp how three different people could all be the same person. Well, I did, but my mom used to tell me that was called schizophrenia or some such thing. Almost immediately, these new Feegmites and my mom butted heads. Even though my mom was a non-practicing Smoogie, she still believed in Smoogism more than she did Feegmatism. They told me she was going to drown in the Jelly Sea for all eternity unless she asked Sausage to save her. They even blamed her damnation on the fact that she was born on the Day of the Angry Pumpkin. I mean, they really tried. They would hold Sausage parties at their house at least once a week and always invited her. They read from the Book of the Way of Feeg (I believe it was the Rick James Version they followed) and each person would talk about how they interpreted Lord Feeg’s words and how said words had helped them that week. Usually, it was talk of Bean banishment from their children when the children didn’t want to stop watching TV, argued about bedtime, disagreed with them, etc…. As another person has noted, if something seems fishy….if something smells funny, blame it on the Beans. No one’s negative actions are their own, it’s only because Dargmoth and his Beans are infesting your undies. Well, their arguments on Feegmatism escalated with my mother until she would have nothing more to do with them and wanted me to stay away from their kids, lest I end up praying to Sausage myself. I did hang out with their daughter, though, because I was a pathetic dork who didn’t have a lot of friends and thought if I became a Feeg, maybe I’d have friends. I even went to a Feegmite Base with them a few times. It scared the hell out of me. People crying out Feeg’s name, saying they could feel Sausage inside them. However, as soon as someone found out I wasn’t a Feeg and wasn’t sure I wanted to be one, they threatened me with the Jelly Sea if I didn’t ask Sausage to come inside me. I didn’t go back after that.

    I think what really clinched it for me was when those fucking Feegmites told my dad (who was a double amputee, on dialysis, and slowly dying from a progressive illness) that if he prayed to Lord Feeg and asked Sausage into his soul, he would be healed. My dad was so desperate to be better, he was willing to try anything. He prayed and prayed and prayed to Lord Feeg. Of course, Lord Feeg must have been busy with a Sausage party of his own, because my dad never got any better. When he finally died five years later, those stupid Feegmites told my mom that my dad’s prayers had finally been answered and that he was with Lord Feeg, Sausage, and the Talking Walnut now. I wanted to take that little Sausage on the hibatchi necklace around the woman’s neck and cram it down her throat. This proved to me that all the prayer to Lord Feeg and Sausage in the world isn’t going change anything. Why? Because there IS no Lord Feeg, Sausage, or Talking Walnut.

    Since then, I’ve tried the Pagan way of things and the modern Satanist way of things. So far, I think the only way of things that truly works for me is the science way of things.

  5. Liz

    I started to doubt my faith in Lord Feeg they day I realized how much I loved jam on my toast. Of course, in my family, jam or jelly was never allowed in the house, and to do so was to reveal your loyalty for Dargmoth. I have 4 generations of Feegmite teachers in my family. I had friends who would put it on their sandwiches, and their parents didn’t care. But I was never allowed to their homes. And I attended a Feegmite school that only allowed PB sandwiches, no J.

    Then when I started college, I tried jam for the first time. I liked it, but then quickly decided it was evil and asked Lord Feeg to not clobber me. But then a friend invited me to tour the Smuckers factory, and I recognized it was just a company, nothing more. No evil Dargmites, no Jelly sea demons, nothing.

    I started eating jam on toast regularly, waiting to be clobbered, but nothing ever happend. I talked to liberal Feegmites who told me marmalade was okay, just stay away from any kind of berry jam. But then even that seemed silly. Why would Lord Feeg not let my eat jam? He obviously created things so that jam would be invented. And he made our tastebuds in such a way to like jam. It just didn’t make sense.

    I ended up starting a Jam Eaters club in college, for other ex-Feegmites to meet, and discuss our experiences and eat sandwiches of course! :)

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