Nov. 10, 2008

Hey, Bob.

“There are no atheists in foxholes.”

Of course, that’s something that a believer will say, but never an atheist. It really goes without saying.

I thought I was going to be killed, many years ago, when I was 21 years old. A burgler had his arm around my neck, and he was dragging me up the stairs to my bedroom. Did I pray, did I think, “Oh, Jesus, please save me?”

Hell, I wasn’t even an avowed atheist at the time, and all I could think of was “I have a play I’m supposed to be in on Friday, and I can’t let everyone down.” My body took over, and all it could do was fight, flight, fight, flight. I realized I had to listen to that, because at the time, my instincts were smarter than me. So, no, there was no theist in my foxhole.

My dad almost died 3 years ago, in the hospital. He was having an angioplasty, and treatment for prostate cancer. He’d lost a lot of blood–I don’t really know the circumstances. The nurse, or the doctor–don’t remember which, asked him if he’d like a proest or a minister to come to his room. My dad, in his typical fashion, requested a Witch Doctor to come and dance around his bed, waving shrunken heads around.

They didn’t get it. They never get it, do they?

I suppose it’s possible that once you’re an atheist, you can go back and become a theist. But it’s probably something that happens in your brain. Take Anthony Flew, for example. And he’s only a Deist now. But it’s never fear. That’s because losing gods IS losing fear. Becoming an atheist is, in effect, facing death head on. Becoming an atheist is not spontaneous–you’ve gotta think a lot, for years, sometimes, and for many of us, the Big Topic IS death, and the nature of it.

Peter said something very smart, and that was how religionists are very full of themselves. Believing that you will survive death, believing that everything that exists in the universe is simply not good enough, believing your species is favored over all that might exist in the universe, believing that you have a magic puffball ghost living in your head–that’s ego.

Accepting that you are part of the universe, you are part of nature, you die, and the world goes on and exists without you–that’s atheism. That’s losing a HUGE chunk of “I, me, I, I, me.”

Good luck, Peter. It’s an adventure.

Today they stuck a camera up my nose and into my lung - bizarre experience - they didn’t “see anything” but used a saline flush to do more tests. The doctor is still in non-committal mode, but if they don’t know then they don’t know which is fair enough.

Frankly this is getting boring. :D

@SJR - I can’t really agree with the statement that “atheists fear death more than religious people”. First off I think the absolute unknown is a least a bit strange for everyone and secondly the religious people are in total denial that they will die, so who’s the most scared?

It does seem odd that the religious one’s think claim they are going to a “better place” but seem so reluctant/terrified to do so. Maybe they know they’re bullshitting themselves :)

@Hellbound Alleee - love the witch doctor thing :D, if I wind up in a hospice I may try and invent something very stupid and tell them it’s my sincere belief and last wishes :D

@Sara CreamCheese - I was smiling when I wrote that :) Please don’t be sad.

If I do live it’s been an excellent experience… if I don’t it doesn’t really matter does it :)

Peter, I can’t say that I wish I could read about what you’d say to the hospice folks about your “last wishes,” because I’d rather you didn’t have to do that.

But I’m sure it would be fucking funny. Make ‘em work for their sincere belief in belief, if you know what I mean. Then yell “April Fool” when they do it.

Hi Peter,

When I was 31 I found out I had a brain tumor. The neurosurgeon who removed it told me I’d be crippled from arthritis by 40 and dead by 45. My birthday is Dec. 25th. I’ll be 45 in less than a month. I do have a little arthritis but I’m hardly crippled and I guess there’s a chance I might drop dead in the next four weeks but I could also get hit by a friggin’ meteor.

The last week in February of this year I found out I had colon cancer. First week of March I had half my colon hacked out and did Chemotherapy from May ‘til October. The funny thing is I had the cancer surgery at a Catholic hospital and told them to make sure some priest didn’t come in and start praying over me even if I croaked. (On the admission form under religion I put “Against”.)

At no time since the first doctor told me I was going to die 14 years ago, did I ever consider praying, going to church or begging one of the thousands of gods to spare me. We are all going to die and there’s not a damn thing we can do about it.

The good thing about finding out I’m not going to live to a ripe old age is I lost all fear of death. It’s seems silly to fear the inevitable. I figure if I get 15 more years I’ll be lucky. For all I know I may live to be 100.

I enjoy life more now than I used to. The binge drinking and sport fucking has tapered off but I perform random acts of kindness when I can. Whenever someone says god bless you, I always reply……which one.

I hope your prognosis is good but whether it is or not, live the hell out of what you have left. And that goes for the rest of you heathens.

Dean

been following you off and on for a while. i DONT know how you keep up with all this.
quite frankly your fantastic.
I’m NOT an atheist or a religious freak. , just a person who sees things for what they are NOT for what people want them to be.
I admire your ability to just “keep it “ right on top”.
good for you .
and thanks for sharing. ..
keep up the good work. and YES it is GOOD WORK.
that’s all I had to say.
:)

I like to dress up Jesus, so he won’t get a cold by hanging on that miserable cross :D

DEAR RELIGIOUS PEOPLE KEEP YOUR JESUS OFF MY PENIS

Peter, are you still out there? What has happened with the biopsy? I hope you’ve stayed well, sir. Don’t know why your story struck me so, but it did.

A response to zoo/peter
Here is a fictitious story that sums this up quite well.
An Atheist and a professed Christian are in an auto accident. They both die a few hours later in the hospital. They soon arrive at the Pearly Gates of Heaven and are confronted by St. Peter who has a record of their deeds in his hand. He looks at the history of the Atheist and says, “So you did not believe in God or that there is a Heaven and a Hell”
The Atheist responds with, “No, I did not…but standing here leaves me in total shock and awe”. St. Peter paused for a minute, surveying his book, and then says, “Okay, go right in to
Heaven and spend eternity in peace and tranquility with all your loved ones”.
He then turns to the professed Christian, “It is recorded here that you have committed adultery a number of times, took the Lords name in vain, and in fact, broke at least five of the ten commandments. However, I see that a Priest issued you your last rights before you died so you may pass through as well. I expect you will spend eternity alone as there does not appear to be anyone here that you haven’t offended at some time in your life’.
The Christian frowned and said, “St. Peter I am puzzled. You just let an Atheist into Heaven after he told you that in his lifetime he never believed in God.”
St. Peter answered. “The record shows that he was a responsible person, a caring father, and a well respected individual. He led his life this way because he did not believe in an afterlife. He was determined to spend his time on earth spreading good will and then dying with respect”.
St. Peter continued. “You on the other hand, felt confident that you had a niche in the afterlife because you were a professed Christian. You never worried about the negative impact you would have on family or friend as you could have your sins absolved each Sunday in the confessional.”
“Who do you think a loving God should deny, You, the believer, or the Atheist whose only serious sin was ignorance?.

Just a quick comment to say, thanks for the fun. Of course I should be commenting in the hate mail, that’s where all the fun really is hardee har har.

Keep up the good work Bob.

Hello,
I am a muti faith guy, But I love your site. I love someone who does an equal joking of religion. People take faith sometimes way too serious. I am Wiccan, Voudoun, and Native Spirit. But I really respect someone who offers a chance to laugh at the way we veiw religion.

Keep up the excellent work bud

Blessings or no blessings you call
Bob Null

I remember being shown this site over 10 years ago, and suddenly (like the lord calling me) I remembered about it today. How I missed the Jesus dress up. During that decade I have managed to live the life of an atheist quite successfully, my fondest memory being when I had the knock on the door from some Jehova (excuse the spelling) witnesses, a dear old lady and a young lad, maybe 13, prime for their devious brainwashing. After thoroughly taking apart her preacher views (dinosaurs, carbon dating, hundreds of rewritten stories and fairy tales), I focused on the boy, and hammered home one main point: question everything, every single thing they try to tell you, question it, and think for yourself. There is nothing wrong with you for questioning them, and you will often find contradictions, and horrific truths that these people believe in, open your eyes, enjoy your life and just be a nice fucking dude to people. I mean look at the pope kid, he’s never been laid, do want that to be you??!?! I think that clinched it.

I was glad to see that same kid just weeks later (small town) donning a Metallica t-shirt when he came to my shop to buy his first guitar, which was a Warlock by BC Rich (for non guitar people google the image…)

My work here is done.

If there is a God I’m fucked. But the Devil has the best tunes anyway.

the next time u see a guy holdin up a free hugger sign u should make ur own sign “saying better hugs 2$” and stand right next to him
get new jeans with the money u saved up
and then brag about it to the quarter guy

Hey Normal Bob,
Your website is one of the best I’ve seen in a very long time. It’s very original, funny, kooky, realistic, and witty. I found out about it through the New York Times while I was visiting the city. I got to say now that I’ve viewed the site, I love New York City even more! :) And this is coming from a “Southern-Griswold who believes in God”. I wish people wouldn’t hate on your site so much and grow the f*** up. I may believe in God, but I’m a realist and very open-minded. So keep up the good work, and please keep adding more to your website. lol :)

Sincerely,
Jaycee
aka Ms. Kooky-jezebel

Bob Smith you are a true GENUIS!!! I ove your Jesus dress up doll game and all the other games on your site!!! Keep being unique…

I like your black ink work that you’ve done,those illustrations remind me of some of Clive Barkers
prints,”the theif of always”…good stuff man…you should checkout out the movie “Coraline” originally it was a book by Neil Gaiman…great writer…I also want to give praise to that drawing
of Lewis Carroll…i read the book too,amazingly you would think that it’s not for children!!
your art could easily reflect Coraline and other awesome tales of oddity and the darkside of humor
and or just the darkside of anything,being an artist myself,I draw and paint alot of my dreams and
nightmares,being inspired by the feelings of hovering over a giant abyss strapped to technical diving gear,or drowning inside a submarine….nightmares are much more interesting,don’t you think??
SINcerly,
A.J. Schneller