Have you heard about Hell?
There's a place where you'll be spending eternity and it isn't nice

All of the Christian emails will be in blue and my replies will be in black and white . Enjoy!

Way down deep in the center of the Earth is a place called HELL.

It' is very, very hot, mostly cobblestone and brick with your basic "evil" motif, highlighted with varying degrees red and dark orange ©2001 Normal Bob Smith.

It is a place filled with heavy metalers, primitive, uncivilized, tribal sorts and yuppies. This is where God will send you if you cannot believe his outrageous stories from the Bible.
It is here that the Devil is King, crowned and employed by God himself. Why would God do such a thing?
Good question.

God isn't the type to get his hands dirty, and dealing with nonbelievers is dirty work indeed. They don't bathe regularly, they're ridden with numerous sexually transmitted diseases and you wouldn't believe the foul language!

So God found himself a scrub.

The Devil

By demoting one of his expendable angels, the "Big Guy" found himself, what seems to be, the most gullible of suckers I've ever heard of.

Not only that, but God has been able to point the finger of blame at him for every sin ever committed.

An idiot gets drunk and runs over a baby carriage, it's the Devil's fault.

A 13 year old boy fantasizes about Britney Spears in bra-too-small... hey, the Devil did it!

Some sick bastard makes a web page depicting the Son of God on the cross so that he can be dressed in a variety of colorful outfits thanks to the latest technology in web development,
yep, that's right, where's Captain Evil!

And wouldn't you know it, it's God's "pretty boy" son who's been brought on board to fix the mess.

Talk about nepotism! I've had bosses like this and when the son is employed be prepared to watch the whole business go to hell... literally. And this is where we end up. One guy gets made an example of so the Son can be "Messiah".

You know I betcha if the devil and God had met under better circumstances they'd have been best of friends... if they existed.

I am still consistently baffled at the simplicity at which man's brain operates. I'm picturing a grown man kneeling down next to his computer whispering to himself,

"Hello Jesus, it's me Patrick, maverickhill@yahoo.com. Do you remember 2000 years ago when those Romans nailed you to that cross? Well, there are a lot of us who still believe that you were God and, anyway, there's this thing called the Internet, it's really hard for me to explain it right now but this guy who goes by Normal Bob Smith made this web page that's evil. It shows you on the cross there and people visit the web page on their PC's and dress you up in contemporary styles of clothing. There's even a pair of devil pajamas! Please forgive Mr. Normal for not believing in you and for uploading the Java script that enables the HTML to do such a thing. Amen
PS If you give me a sign I'll email him again."

OK, I realize that this probably isn't what you prayed but it's the sort of kooky thing that I imagine you people doing when no one else will listen.

Jesus Christ, Hell is forever!?! This guy told me that it was like 8 to 10 weeks and then it was onto the pearly gates! Fuck, forever... jeez!

You don't suppose that it's just a figure of speech? Like "Wow, we've been waiting in this line forever!" forever?

But seriously, you're like the 3rd person to to tell me this and I'm really taking into consideration believing all that bible stuff. This "eternity" thing really blindsided me this morning.
Thanks for the warning!

Yeah, me.

I thought that I'd made myself clear. I've covered all of my bases.
Not only am I doing all of these web pages under an alias but I've also got a story all laid out. Listen to this...

It's not a picture of Jesus Christ!
It's a drawing of a fictional character named Jesus (hay-suse) Thomas whose buddies hung him on a giant lower case letter "t" as a prank or something. Anyway, I'll have the story all worked out by the time I die, and it'll be just a big misunderstanding!

I've already been planning ahead on what I'm going to do when I get to heaven. Here's a hint: Wet T-shirt Island™. And I know who'll be standing in line waiting to get in. I'm looking in your direction Ryan.

Well, Jadabharat, if you were trying to impress me, mission accomplished.

You're very, very smart. I can tell because you know so many big, trivial words that I haven't heard of before. Somehow you've also nailed that "bad things have happened in my life" thing. How did you know that?!? Is that really God fuckin' with me?

I wasn't even aware that I was confused until you told me so. I thought that I was pretty set in my beliefs (what with all the proof that I've based them on). But this is quite possibly one of the most intelligent emails I've ever gotten.

Did I mention how impressed I was?

I don't want to send any of my readers into a panic, but this letter sounds serious. I suspect this "someone" to be some sort of "Internet Executioner" or Christian Vigilante Web Police Organization.

I beg of you Girlontvscreen@aol.com, to NOT have this talk that you're considering with the "someone" whom I'm guessing to be very big.

I am ready to concede and post whatever you and that "someone" would prefer. Please send me your list of demands and the time frame for my buckling under.

Yours terrified,
Bob