“Trying to be Clever Mail”
Part 2
The Bill V. Files

Their emails are in blue, mine are in black and white. Enjoy!

More wonderful members of The Normal Bob Smith Group that I'm just so damn proud of!


Location: new york city
Age: 23
Gender: Female
Occupation: artist/ beatnik/ pirate/ college student

Hobbies: sex, drugs, rock n roll

Amy no_aliens_on_my_cellphone

Hobbies: Pouring and drinking coffee. Reading books of all genres(except science-fiction).Drinking moderate amounts of alcohol. Enjoying conversations and debates. Music - Metal, Classical, Trip-Hop/Acid Jazz, Latest News: Poured some coffee today.

Real Name: Emily
Location: NYC
Occupation: creative unemployment

Real Name: Mao Tse Tom
Location: netherlands represent!
Marital Status: Single, Not Looking
Occupation: leader of the new revolution

Hobbies: leiding my fellow human beings into the light, world domination and beer Latest News: check the paper

Real Name: Princessa Cazarina La Spazola
Location: under your bed

Hobbies: food, music, tv, walks, sex, loving kitty cats, social terrorism, etc.
Latest News: Just found out that Lucifer & Kali are my parents! Yippee!! Long Live Stoner Rock!!

Favorite Quote "I don't suffer from insanity, I thoroughly enjoy it!"

Real Name: Josie Nutter
Location: Seattle, WA

Favorite Quote "Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. --Arthur C. Clarke"

Hobbies: Having really profound insights while engaged in meaning-of-life discussions, martial arts, stand-up comedy, horror movies, dogs, and remaining calm at all times.

The Normal Bob Smith Group

I got involved with many cults, one after the other.... I even made a deal with satan for a favor in exchange for my soul.”

Dear Bob: There's a game afoot!

1) " ... my site wouldn't be so mind numbingly hilarious (is that how you put it?)..."
.........This is an example of your penchant for misquoting. I NEVER said that. (That is, assuming it's what you ment (oops! MEANT) to say, as opposed to poor sentence structure) (not to mention, mind-numbingly should be hyphenated)

2) "When somebody emails me having this perception about me (as you have), and they think that the spectacular promise of Heaven obtained through the son of a supreme being in another dimension is a reasonable suggestion (once again, like you)... well, it's the starting point for great comedy. Comedy, as you've stated, even your god can appreciate."
I never took any position on your "beliefs" or lack of........as a matter of fact I commended you for getting people to think about Jesus! (the reverse psycology (dang it! psycHology) thing?)

3) "...have a sad eye for what's funny"
A "sad" eye for what's funny? (you made that up!.......unless of course...*ahem* you ment (..sigh..meAnt) "bad eye" which would mean...umm...you misspelled it....) I've never heard the term "a sad eye"

4) "I'm anticipating the "misquotes" you've come across to be part of a larger, more complicated brand of humor you weren't able to recognize"
I sowwy, I too 'tupid to get the joke.... (more on the "misquotes" later)

5) "Some of the red flags you yourself have raised, well first how unfunny your emails have been."
Get out a sentence structure book for this one, Bobby! (Misspelled? no! Grammatically incorrect? (snicker) yes!

6) "...funnilessness..."
(Bob, fess up, this isn't even a word... you made it up...you get an "A" for effort though !)

7) "...your passion for Bible quotes..."
(you're stereotyping me!)

8) "...use of the Bill & Ted catch phrase "dude"..."
Hey dude? That IS how I talk....

9) "...signing off "filled with love". I've never heard that uttered after any good comedy... ever!..."
I suppose YOU missed the PARODY (say comedy Bob) of my SALUTATION (that would be "signing off" ...it's ok...we'll "larn ya") It was a DIRECT response to you previous salutation which read "Filled with hatred" (I still love you though!)

10)"I love to laugh". That'd've been the clincher."
I do love to laugh Bob... like I'm doing right now. Hysterically. ("That'd've" ?!?!??!..."That'd've" ?!??!.....now THAT'S F-U-N-N-Y) Tell me Bob, did you have a mean, catholic nun, English teacher? Is that what this is all about? ( you DID flunk, right? ("That'd've"...*guffaw*)

Seriously though Bob, I understand funny. I think you'll agree with me, that some of the funniest (not really if you think about it) things on your site are the letter from the "Christians" who call you every name in the book in "the name of God" To THOSE people I'd like to say that it's not very Christian to use that kind of language...consider yourselves rebuked ... and think about the example you are showing! No wonder nonbelievers think Christians are a crock! Attitudes and non-Christian actions such as those are what give true Christians a bad rap. Sorry Bob. Really. That's not what being a Christian is about. But I digress.

Bob, I was baptized as a baby, raised Roman Catholic. Went to school with the nuns and the brothers for10 years. Then I started reading the bible on my own. I found that the catholic church does many many things contrary to what the bible teaches. From there, I went off on a search for truth. I got involved with many cults, one after the other. A lot of them were far from Christian. At one point in my life, I even made a deal with satan for a favor in exchange for my soul. Guess what? He delivered. My comment on that is simply "be careful what you wish for" For years I agonized about it, but came to realize that Jesus had already paid the debt, and I owed satan nothing. Since then, Jesus has brought me out of many a "hopeless" situation ... even though I forgot about Him when things were good, He has NEVER let me down when I needed Him. THIS is MY basis for belief. I know because I KNOW. Even when I have done despicable things, if I'm truly sorry, He forgives. God knows if it's sincere remorse/repentance. He can see into a mans' heart. This is what I believe.

I'm not trying to convert anybody either Bob. My job is to make sure people have heard the word. Not to try to ram the bible down their throats. Not to try to frighten them into converting. Not to condemn them for different beliefs in different religions, or no beliefs at all. My job is to get the word out to those that care to listen, and to live my life as an example of what it means to be a Christian. (boy I mess that one up a lot, the example part) God gave us freedom of choice....trying to force religion on someone else goes against that. We, as Christians, are to plant the seeds, and leave the growth and harvesting to Him.

No sarcasm intended whatsoever Bob...Keep up the good work.
in Jesus' name,
Bill V.
PS. I didn't forget.

My last email to you had a purpose far greater than retort. I figured it to be a fairly simple task to prove that you weren't qualified to critique my site. I offered up a minefield of opportunities to sink yourself and you dove in head first.

"mind numbingly hilarious (is that how you put it?)..."
1) I started you off with a misquote for the purposes of comedy. You swallowed it unchewed then returned for seconds.

A hyphenated "mind-numbing" (the adjective) is absolute. The adverb however "mind numbingly" a hyphen is arguable. "Psychology" without the "h" and "there" vs. "their" could only be argued in Idiotsville, population: you.

"When somebody emails me having this perception..."
2) You Bill, have a perception that there is a Heaven that can be obtained through the son of a supreme being, AND you've got a perception of me as well. This perception was the fuel behind your initial email and this is what I'm addressing here.

"...you have a sad eye for what's funny"
3) Yes: "sad". I think that you are a sad excuse for an objective party. I think that your comedy and conversational skills are also sad, along with your abilities to function in society (more on this in a minute). I do not think that you're a BAD person, only sad (in regards to quality).

"I sowwy, I too 'tupid to get the joke"
4) Here you are correct, although I don't think that it is only stupidity that keeps you from getting the joke. I think that you just don't think things through on your own. You're habitually letting others do your thinking for you and I also think that you are weak minded (stay tuned).

"Some of the red flags you yourself have raised, well first how unfunny your emails have been." Get out a sentence structure book for this one, Bobby! (Misspelled? no! Grammatically incorrect? (snicker) yes!
5) In a sentence such as the one you've directed me to, the interruption of a constructive thought with a spur of the moment personal jab is perfectly... oh lord, did you just write out "snicker"? That's right up there with "he he" and "giggles"! One too many tea parties Bill? Ok, where was I?

6) I'll admit that I was having trouble finding the perfect word to describe you. All paths kept leading to "funnilessness". I feel that the word proved itself in your reaction to it. I feel that the word was a success, and when Webster's calls you should forward them your picture.

"...your passion for Bible quotes..."
7) Bill, you'll have no luck trying to convince me that scripture quotes aren't the baseboards to your personality stickhouse. You've brought the topic up to wagering status. That's just short of choosing me to an Ultimate Smack-down.

"...use of the Bill & Ted catch phrase "dude"..."
8) YOU SURE AS HELL SAID "DUDE"! I'VE GOT YOUR LETT... oh wait, you're admitting to it. That caught me off guard. It never even dawned on me that any functioning member of society would 'fess up to a Bill and Ted quote. For me there's no better evidence that we all live under a godless sky.

"...signing off "filled with love".
9) Oh naughty Bill. Must I remind you that you signed off your original letter with that "love" word? I think that you were exaggerating your own behavior in an unfunny attempt to try to recant your initial patheticness! That didn't slip by me. You're filled with LOVE! Oh you're such a sissy.

"I love to laugh".
10) YOU SAID IT! YOU SAID IT! You said "I love to laugh!" I can't believe it! Oh god! I sit here trying to drink my cup of coffee without interruption and now several tiny droplets of pee pee have found their way out of my body. It's all so wonderful!

I figured surely you'd see through "that'd've". My perverted abbreviation for "that would have" seemed like my most obvious attempt to expose your anxious ego. You totally went for it! I could even visualize you standing back and pointing! It's called slang Bill. You've really got an eye for the obvious, I'll give ya' that.

Bill, despite all of the effort I put into showcasing you, I think you did it best with the statements "I got involved with many cults, one after the other." AND "I even made a deal with Satan for a favor in exchange for my soul."
These small pieces of history on you are absolutely priceless for anyone who might be gathering useful information on Bill (jerky Webmasters, psychotherapists, the authorities, etc...). Oh I'd love to know the favor you received! Tell me! Please tell me!

There was once a time when you Bill sold your very soul to the Overlord of Darkness in exchange for a very special Earthly favor. Your favor was granted, then you realized that you'd unwittingly outsmarted him (the Master of all Cunning and Trickery) because as it turned out, you never had your soul to offer in the first place... Jesus did. This story speaks volumes.

I have found that people don't require much prodding when it comes to revealing who they really are. All you have to do is listen. You Bill have every reason to fear your own judgments. Being a cult joiner is a personality trait. You've always been one and you'll probably always be one. They only become "cults' when you leave. Prior to that it is the greatest idea you've ever bought into... thought up by someone else.


My work here is finished.”

Umm OK..... You contrived your last letter strewn with little psychological tricks to catch me off guard. Right. We'll all just "pay no attention to the man behind the curtain." You sir, I thought were just trying to be humorous?

Seems more like you might be a sociopath. I see compulsive-obsessive behavior, and a very obvious case of megalomania. I tried to meet you intellectually on your own level, with a sense of your own humor. You respond in a harsh, belittling and crass manner. (or is this part of your grand scheme of humor?) I thought you to be a man with an opinion, not a boorish, ineffectual whiner. Seems pretty obvious to me I rattled your cage.......took you days to respond.....just as I had intended! You took it hook, line and sinker! Note however that I respond to you off-the-cuff. Bob, you can dish it out......so take it like a man. Cripes, now I've lost what little respect I did have for you. You are not deluded or led astray Bob, just a small, small man.

My work here is finished. Scripture tells us "throw not your pearls unto swine" I'll be praying for you Bob. If you don't believe in hell, you'd better be right....

Bill V.

"My work here is finished." You couldn't have ended this any funnier. Yeah, you really did quite a job on me. So many misquotes you've found. Your god must be proud.

Oh Bill, don't be such a sore loser. You're the one who said "There's a game afoot!" I expected you to be angry, no one likes being made to look the fool.

Everything I wrote to you was true and accurate. All of my opinions were put there and I stand behind them 100%. I was simply showing you acceptable writing techniques that you don't recognize. You were wanting to make a wager, remember? Hey, who ended up winning that?

I don't mind if you point the finger at me as the one who's got problems. I've already proven that your opinions are empty, thoughtless and emotionally driven.

I get a lot of emails Bill, sometimes it takes 3 days to reply. It's a time consuming task trying to sort out stupidity. This one took less than a day... because I've almost got all of yours sorted out.


  New Hate Mail
The Bill V. Files
Part 3!