The ease of becoming content with ignorance.

It can happen to the best of us.

Their letters are in blue and mine are in black and white.


The best move that I ever made in my entire life was moving out of the suburbs to the big city. No, I'm not talking about the move from my parent's home in placid Lakewood Colorado to Denver Colorado. I'm talking about when I finally got fed up with Colorado, packed up everything and ran to Chicago.

I didn't know what exactly I was in for but I knew that things were going to change, and that could only mean good. In fact, let me show you precisely what was on my mind by sharing with you a page from the journal I was keeping at that time. I will be interjecting facts in red.

December 17th, 1993, Fri.

Well Diary, I'm moving to Chicago.

Rick (brother) called me last week, waking me from a dream. I was dreaming that Chris (other brother), Rick, dad and I were loading up a U-haul for me to move away in.
So Rick wakes me from this dream to tell me that him and Cory (present wife) are moving to Chicago soon so I should plan. And I am. I'll be leaving in February.

I might be transferred. I'll be using my vacation time for the move, possibly three weeks of it if I don't go to another CPI Photo Finish ('cause then I'd just lose all the vacation time).

Christmas is almost here. I worked ten hours today and I'll be working most of the time everyone's here visiting (that's good). No more Reka's dirty looks (Girl I was "dating" at the time. Insert smiley face drawing here).

As soon as I record all of the Twin Peaks episodes (Bravo was repeating the episodes without commercials at the time) I'll be set to move. I need luck. Let it be waiting in Chicago.


I was a virgin in so many ways. I was ignorant of so many things. TV was important enough to hold up my move!

I was ignorant of other styles, beliefs, races and sexual orientations. I'd never seen 2 men holding hands, a black person sitting next to me on the train, a city that stayed open after 10pm or so many attractive people everywhere. It was not because I didn't care or chose to be that way. There was simply no diversity in the Mile High.

January 9th, 1994

As I draw nearer to the end of this book (the journal I'm writing in) I also come closer to the day I leave Denver (coincidentally, the last book ended at my move from mom & dad's).

My dreams have been consisting of driving on a road (be it car, motorcycle or bicycle), good-byes and chaos. Last night I was hanging off a cliff with my bike wrapped around my ankles over that grassy hilly area described in another dream. I've also been having nightmares of gangbanger, bad neighborhoods and guns.

Not much I'm gonna miss here. Familiarity, Ralph (friend) security of work... not much else.

I need lot's of luck!


The LA riots were still pretty fresh in my head. It was what I feared most about the big city.

January 10th, 1994

Finally it's my turn to escape this godforsaken city/state. Eat my dust Paige Doub! (someone that I apparently didn't care for from high school)

January 18th, 1994

Well, one more week of CPI.

Another big earthquake has torn apart LA.

I left Wisconsin a virgin, and now I'll leave Colorado a virgin.

My acne is almost completely gone.

My hair is quite long, down to my shoulders.

Reka is nuts.

Michael Jackson is a freak.

I'm fine, except for this cold.


Damn. I couldn't have been more prime for change.

I was in for so many "firsts" and my life would never be the same.

If I could give only one piece of advice it'd be to move out of the security of the suburbs to the city... and do it now!

"It is good for one to know why they believe."

I just believe. God exists. I believe in good and evil. I believe God is the good and Satan is the evil. Sometimes I doubt, I too wonder why I believe, but then I remind myself that If I am wrong about everything what do l lose by serving God? God gives me the ability to love, the will to do good, something to live for, and an explanation for creation. These are wonderful things and they bring me joy. I lose nothing by believing and I gain everything. You too can have all this if you want it. But if you decide that you don't, do not insult Jesus, a man that so many people love.

Even if you don't believe in any God I am sure you have heard of respect? Many thanks. I am glad you asked my why I believe. It is good for one to know why they believe.


Kristy, when I lived through God, trusted in God and depended in God, I lost myself. It is no different than what you lose living through anybody. You lose your individuality, your confidence and valuable social skills. These are things that can not be faked when you can't think for yourself.

A majority of Christians base their beliefs on the "what-do-I-got-to-lose" philosophy. It seems like a catch free safety net, but what happens is as follows: First, things start to contradict themselves, so you get into a pattern of either ignoring the contradictions or reasoning them out in your head somehow. Next, you'll find yourself at a dinner party with other people who are making up their own Bible-solutions. This exchange of ideas will make you ponder the sanity of the dinner guests which will then lead you to realize that you are no different and that perhaps this way of thinking is a common human trait that we all share.

Soon after this you'll begin seeing the Bible in a whole different light. It will look less like a history book and more like human behavior trying to dream up solutions. It is at this point that you'll tell yourself maybe God has nothing to do with any "Bible", and Heaven doesn't need a religion to be true (or something of this nature). Hopefully, here at this particular juncture you will have learned from past experiences and reality will win out over fantasy.

This process took me 15 years to work through. During that time I lacked confidence, free thought, true respect for life, an ability to find happiness and those valuable social skills I'd mentioned earlier.

My advice to you is that you search out real reasons to believe what you do and don't settle for "I just do". At the very least you'll be invited to better dinner parties.


" Thank you for challenging what I believe."

Hello, Bob. Thank you for challenging what I believe. You're right, the what- have- I- got- to- lose theory is a not very good one. It is not what holds my faith together. I really don't know what holds it together. I was born in a Christian family and I was taught that the Bible was true and God was true. Unfortunately I think that is what holds my faith together. I wonder if I would still be a Christian if I was left to figure things out for myself. You're also right that heaven doesn't need religion to exist. Neither does God. God really doesn't need anything to exist. I too realize we as Christians think in circles. I believe in God because I believe in the Bible and I believe in the Bible because I believe in God. But I pray to God and I know he's there. I need Him to be there. I need a reason to live my life. I need a reason to put others before myself. Self sacrifice and loving your enemy is not in the natural human behavior.

You say you have worked through all this in 15 years. What have you found in your 15 years? Have you found answers to all the "big questions." Do you believe in heaven but not in God? Do you believe in hell but not in Satan. Or do you believe that there is a god, but not the same God in the Bible? What happens after death and why are we alive and how did we come to be? I believe in God because I have yet to hear a better answer. Tell me what you have learned to be true and why.

I have found many answers Kristy. I no longer believe in Heaven, God, the Bible, or Satan. None of them fit in with what was happening in real life... my life. The coincidence that I was luckily born into the right religion started to gnaw at my brain. My search led me to atheism.

Visit my main page and see for yourself.

Any answers you don't find there I'll be more than happy to address.

"Hopefully before the return of our Lord and Savior you will realize your problems."

I pray for you soul. Hopefully before the return of our Lord and Savior you will realize your problems. I would hate to see anyone burn for eternity because as of right now that is where you are heading. I pray that you will realize you are sooo wrong and will turn your site into a site that glorifies our Lord.

I will be praying for you.


So this is the sense you're presently functioning on. The god of space and time one day descending to Earth to burn the souls of all who don't pray to Him... and He'd prefer it if my web site held a different viewpoint. Oh yeah, and the subject or your email to me was "CRAZY".

These are the dinner parties I was talking about Kristy.

"God... will throw those who do not accept him into the pits of hell. he wants for NO ONE to spend eternity this way."

Our Lord and Savior as you say "the God of heaven and earth, time and space", will throw those who do not accept him into the pits of hell. he wants for NO ONE to spend eternity this way, nor do I. He came and died for all of our sins, including yours.

I will still be praying for you....................

Hoping to see you in Heaven


So is God crying as He throws our souls into Hell? Or are we just a number at that point and His angel-grunts do the dirty work?
I've got many unanswered questions 'chelle. Answer them so that I might understand.


"Kinda like a farmer who finds weeds in his wheat farm...."

God is disappointed in us when we don't follow him. He sent his one and only son to die for us. Could you let your son or daughter die for anyone else? Could you make that big of a sacrifice? I honestly don't know if I could. That is how much he loves us. But he also gives us free will. He could, but won't, make him follow his ways "the right way". So I guess in a way you could say he will be crying as he has to banish all "unclean" spirits into hell, because even as we are sinners he still loves us. He says that he will take up the "clean/righteous" and leave the "unclean" to Satan.

Kinda like a farmer who finds weeds in his wheat farm. He doesn't go out and pull all the weeds, it would of course get mixed up with the wheat and he would loose his crop, but when it is season and the wheat is done growing, he sorts out the good from the bad, just as our heavenly father will do.

God Bless You and I will still be keeping you in my prayers.


I simply cannot bring myself to praise and worship the "farmer" that despises it's "weeds". That farmer who does everything in his power to prevent and destroy the growth of his weeds is NOT the god for me! I want to be where "weeds" are valued and loved (not hated and killed).

I don't know how you can bring yourself to love the one who sprays poison to rid his precious fields of you.

"We are the weeds. We love life."
Jarvis Cocker, 2001

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