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Since the conception of a higher power we have been eagerly anticipating our utter demise at the hand of that higher power. Every war, conflict, disastrous act of nature or hangnail, there has been a cross section of religious excitables that raise their ugly voices predicting Armageddon. Now, I haven't researched the numbers , but I happen to know that only a very small percentage of these predictions have ever been correct. It's like under 3% or something.

So where is all of this coming from? What is it that's making these people sell all of their possessions, lock up in a bunker and wait for their God to end mankind's survival streak?

REVELATION
A Bittersweet Account
of the Death of us All

OK sure, it's a book written by someone with an early version of the frontal lobe. And yes, the author knew nothing of scientific research, a non Holy explanation behind a solar eclipse, or the pictures that play in your head during sleep time.

It mustn't be forgotten that plants, herbs, fungi and toads were still being tested for edibility. It was a place and time before people knew what mushroom to eat and what mushroom to leave be.

Oh yeah, keep in mind too that the guy writing this book had horrendous B.O.

OK, now the scene is set. Let's dig in!

Revelation is the sci-fi tale of a seven headed, red dragon with ten horns, his many beastly underlings, and their ultimate conquering of planet Earth.

It is George Orwell's "Animal Farm", only at a much grander scale, double the melting flesh and a hard-core Christian spin.

It begins with an extended introduction from God, His plan and the distribution of this book of the bible (to Ephesus, Smyrna, Pergamous, Thyatira, Sardis, Laodicea and Philadelphia- The Cream Cheese State, Rev. 1:11)

The author also reminds us that Jews are evil (Rev.2:9)

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse make an appearance (Rev 4:7).

And a gathering of the four beasts: one who is like a lion, one like an ox, one like an eagle and one like a man. All with wings, all worshipping God.

It isn't until the 6th chapter that the "signs" start revealing themselves. The very first indication of the Apocalypse will be "a great Earth shock", like an explosion, thunderbolt, volcano, Earthquake, asteroid, fireworks warehouse mishap, something of that nature (he's really going out on a limb with that prediction).

Our next sign will be something slightly less vague. It seems that every star shall fall from the sky and every mountain shall collapse into the sea (so when this happens it'll probably be a safe bet that it's the Apocalypse).

In chapter 11 the author starts getting a little greedy in his philosophizing. He foretells the great rewards for the prophets (like himself), and the destruction of those against him and his God.

And it is only after all of the poor and religious are locked safely behind Heaven's gate that the true wrath of Almighty God bears down on us all.

It is now that the seven headed dragon comes from above and eats a newborn baby who was supposed to rule the world! Apparently that ain't-a-happenin'.

Then an army of angels swoop down from Heaven to do battle with the baby eating monster. Let me tell you, if you're still standin' around at this point it's gonna be one hell of a show, and I wouldn't try to book any flights to anywhere 'cause I assure you this angel/ dragons war in the sky will be tying up most of the available air space for sure.

And the angels of Heaven shall be defeated in this battle.

It is now that the Dragon starts recruiting his buddies into positions of great authority. One of them being the 2 horned beast that'll eventually construct an image of the dragon. That image will then breath life (Yeah, I don't know either. Possibly a Furby?).

And after a lot of trouble making (666 tattooing, evil magic, shit like that) God appears from the clouds backed by a full orchestra. This kicks off the hour of judgment!

So then it's a lot of cruel burning and pain for ever and ever.

So be it.

The end.

Not exactly happily ever after, but an ending none the less. What did you expect, the end of the world to sound less screwy than the Bible's account of the beginning?