Hate Mail
Daughter orders Normal Bob Smith Pins.
Package Intercepted by Religious Mother.
Complaint letters sent to Both Guilty Parties.
The following letters are in regards to the pins available at Cold Cocked Cards.

Their letters are in yellow, whilst mine are in black & white.

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Latest Updates

Subject: Jesus' "game"

I'm writing to say that I've felt extremely offended with the jesusdressup.com page I've seen.
No one is forced to believe in anything, but having this kind of "game" displayed on the Internet is of very poor taste, once it's offensive to other people's beliefs. Whomever has created this site should have been more understanding before thinking about playing with such serious issue.

Looking forward to a reply,

Rafael Prearo
SP - Brazil

 

Subject: Re: Jesus' "game"

But what you don't seem to understand is that there is much profit to be made off of this. The dress up game makes money. Don't you understand that? I'm sure you just didn't understand that before you emailed me, but now I'm sure that you do understand.

Thank you for your email.
Bob

 

Subject: Re: Re: Jesus' "game"
Hi Bob!

I did realize that the game would make money, indeed. But why Jesus? Why not someone else, like Tobey Maguire, or Jennifer Aniston, or Britney Spears, or whoever? I agree with you when you say "there is much profit to be made off of this". Even so, I just don't get the reason why you had to choose Christ. THAT'S my point.

Rafael Prearo
SP - Brazil

 

Subject: Re: Jesus' "game"

Oh! I didn't understand the question you had asked me then! Haha! You should have been more specific when you emailed me the first question!

The reason that I didn't do a Tobey Maguire or Jennifer Aniston dress up is because those celebrities could sue me for using their image to profit off of. Britney Spears especially! Can you imagine how much I'd get sued if I tried to sell a Britney Dress Up?!? And Christ, they'd be outdated in a few years and I'd be stuck with a room full of inventory! Haha! What a bad business thinker you are! You must be very very poor.

I hope that I answered your new questions well.
Bob

These were the emails sent to Cold Cocked Cards
we've noticed a nub between it's legs...

Dear Sir/Madam:
We have come across one of your pins, titled "Cold Cocked Cards." We thought you should be aware that on the Satan pin we've noticed a nub between it's legs that could be construed as genitalia.  Please take action as necessary and be more careful next time of what you publish.

Reguards,
Angela, First Baptist Church NH

Dear Angela and All Congregants of First Baptist Church New Hampshire,

I am writing with regard to your recent letter addressing an error on one of our pins. Specifically, you noticed on the Satan pin that there exists a "nub between it's [sic] legs that could be construed as genitalia."

Thank you for pointing out this problem. We were fairly certain after reading your concerns that Satan might be infuriated with someone who refers to his genitalia as a "nub," thus releasing his vengeful wrath in full onto the poor soul responsible for the remark. Please, try to be more careful. We at Cold Cocked cannot be held responsible for the curses Satan may choose to hex you with.

And just to clarify, in case there are any remaining doubts, we believe you are foolish to think even for a second that Satan would NOT have the equipment necessary for wanton fornication. If the Salem trials have taught us anything, it's that Satan has satisfied many an aspiring witch, with what is often cited as a "large, flaming poker."

We thought it best to contact Satan directly for his opinion, since, after all, this concerns his jewels. His response was dramatic, to say the least. He insisted on including a photo of himself to prove that his manhood is "substantially bigger than a nub" and demanded that our next printing have a fair representation of his genitals.

We at Cold Cocked Cards and Normal Bob Smith thank you again for bringing this to our attention. We always aim to represent our products with truthfulness and accuracy.

Sincerely,
Paris Chastity
Director of Research and Development

 

These were the emails sent to me, Normal Bob Smith
we've noticed a nub between it's legs...

Dear Sir/Madam:

We have come across one of your pins, titled "Cold Cocked Cards." We thought you should be aware that on the Satan pin we've noticed a nub between it's legs that could be construed as genitalia. Please take action as necessary and be more careful next time of what you publish.

Reguards,
Angela, First Baptist Church NH

What actions are you suggesting? A lot of money has already been invested in the item you mentioned. Please keep that in mind. Could I just post an apology? Would that be enough?

Bob

a mother in our church intercepted this in the mail and brought it to our attention. Apparently her daughter placed an order for it

I think it's a bit too late for an apology to do any good. I understand this was meant to be a God hating product (a mother in our church intercepted this in the mail and brought it to our attention. Apparently her daughter placed an order for it). You're entitled to your misgivings, but there are public decency laws to obey! These were clearly designed for children! There's a pervert in your art department that's trying to pull a fast one, and I recommend you find them and deal with them accordingly. I just got an email earlier today from a "Paris" that was filled with derogatory filth, so you might want to start there.

Wishing you the best in His name,
Angela, First Baptist Church NH

Dear Mrs. Angela of the First Baptist Church of New Hampshire and all of its church members (I beg you to please read this apology to the entire congregation),

After closer inspection of the product brought to our attention I did in fact see the nub in question, and confronted the designer in our art department responsible. Let me assure you that the Satan image we wanted was to be drawn with no such nub. No nub, bump, appendage, wiener, wand, widget, wafer, or wiggly. In fact, in regards to the character's groin area, I gave clear instructions for it to just be flat, straight across with no indication of sex what-so-ever. And most definitely NO PENIS! We had a meeting on this specifically! "NO PENIS!" I told them. I thought about saying there should be no testicles too, but then I figured "How they gonna draw balls with no penis?" So I skipped even mentioning it.

Then at the first presentation my art department showed me several sample pieces and NONE of them had a lump there! Trust me, there was no mound what-so-ever! Not even the tiniest little hole where the pee pee could come out. Nothing. No penis. No problems. So I approved it. I said "Okay, great. Penis-free. That's a print!" And then (as we both know) one of them dropped in the weeny. Boom! I had no idea until your email the day before yesterday.

Unfortunately we have a few perverts on board who think it's acceptable to illustrate private human anatomy onto a cartoon devil. We have taken measures to discipline the party responsible, having him draw 1,000 nubby penises on the chalkboard at the front of the art department. I think I'm teaching them all a good lesson they won't soon forget.

I hope that you will continue to shop at our fine stores, and rest assured, you and your church won't be getting any more penises in your mailbox. At least not from us.

Thank you for the alert.
Oh! And sorry! Heh heh.
Normal Bob Smith Design
http://www.normalbobsmith.com/design/

 

...we should inform you with great urgency that one of the pins says "God is Fake." Clearly, this is a typo...

Dear Sir/Madam:

We have come across one of your pins at Cold Cocked Cards. We thought we should inform you with great urgency that one of the pins says "God is Fake." Clearly, this is a typo and should read "God is Real," "God is Good," or something similar. But I thought you should know so you can take the proper action in firing the party who proofreads your work and be more careful next time.

Sincerely,
The Moms for Christ Brigade
St. Paul, MN

Dear Moms for Christ Brigade,
Thank you for bringing this matter to our attention, but upon further inspection of the product it appears that you are the one who's mistaken. We've done much research and hoped to find some kind of evidence to back your claims, but besides the ancient boogieman writings of old superstitious men, and that Jesus image which appeared on a piece of toast a year or so ago, we could find no such indication that there has been any typographical error on our end.

In our research we also came upon a passage in your bible that claimed angels once crossbred with humans and that's where 300 foot giants all came from. Okay, now hear me out. Had you considered that perhaps the typographical errors are on your end and not on ours? That's what we here were thinkin'. You might want to alert your proofing staff and have them check their sources before you start bitchin' at all of us.

Please consider this letter a counter-complaint to your initial complaint.
That said, we appreciate your comments.
Yours truly,
Normal Bob Smith Design & Cold Cocked Cards Inc.

 

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Email bob@normalbobsmith.com. Received emails may be displayed publicly.

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