Return of Sperm Boy
time that has passed between us both has not severed the connection
we're denying now."
Normal Bob Smith to Sperm Boy
Sperm Boy! Pg 109
is Sperm Boy today? Pg 110
Last Sperm Boy sighting: Pg 112
to Sperm Boy: Pg 117
emails will be in blue while mine are
in black and white.
January 14th, 2004,
I saw him.
hair was longer and he was wearing a lamb's skin coat but
there was no mistaking. His hat was in hand and he hadn't
lost faith in his signature Sperm Boy turtleneck and denims
(I must research and see if Enrique Iglesias has this same
think that he recognized me. I saw him just as I was waiting
in line to go to the restroom at Starbucks. He was outdoors
standing on the corner outside of Kmart. I couldn't believe
my eyes! I freaked out.
went outside to him and watched him go into Kmart. I timed
out my entrance and pursued him inside.
another one of my stalking victims was just inside the door,
Venus (but more on her another day). I followed him down the
followed him down the isle where he was headed towards the
up escalator. I suspected he was going to use the 2nd floor
restroom there in Kmart (all of the freeloaders know of it).
Then, in a crucial moment, he looked back. He saw me with
my camera in hand. I stopped, pretending to browse what turned
out to be children's winter coats and snowpants.
immediately dodged the escalator's first step and cut left
to a payphone mounted on the wall close by. I headed towards
the escalator, perhaps to get an aerial view of him on the
phone. Then, the second I was committed to those moving stairs
he hopped on behind me! He trotted up a few steps and placed
himself just a few feet behind me.
I was, on the escalator with Sperm Boy himself. Would I be
telling my children of this moment? Did he feel me beckoning
him to come? Is that his breath on the back of my neck? I
felt so alive!
once did I dare glance back over my shoulder on that escalator,
just out of the corner of my eye to catch a hint of him.
he is again! 4:42pm, walking right in front of me while I
write this! Snap.
Christ, I can't even concentrate. This time he definitely
saw me. You know of me don't you Sperm Boy? Dodge me if you
can. I will win this match. I must! Oh God... I must.]
did I leave off? Ah yes, the escalator. When I reached the
top I turned right (towards the restrooms). He was behind
me. I went in, stood at the urinal and peed. Now all of the
toilets were occupied.
entered the room. I didn't even have to look up. I knew it
was him. He stopped short at the sinks and started putting
a comb through his hair, slicking it back the way the ladies
have surely requested.
I was through urinating I backed away and saw him there. His
right profile. This was the first close up look I'd gotten
of him since
a year ago. There he was, grooming himself in a public
restroom. Oh Sperm Boy, you are exactly as I had always imagined
you to be.
paced my exit, not stopping to wash my hands for fear of him
seeing me reflected in his mirror.
walked out of the restroom and waited. I stood there outside
of the restroom door for a couple minutes. Then, for fear
of scaring my prey, I decided to wait for him outside of the
store, across the street for when he finally exited.
more minutes passed. I was standing in this bitter cold, playing
the waiting game with my albino tiger. For a moment
I thought about gambling with him eventually going into this
Starbucks and simply waiting for him in there. But, instead,
I stepped back from that door, hesitated, and decided to return
back to exactly where I knew him still to be: The Kmart restrooms.
reentered the store, passing by Venus & another soon-to-be
short lived friend of her's.
"Lightweight!" I shouted. My game was prize and it
was in this building! Back up the escalator, turn to the right,
around the corner and towards that restroom door... some 10
minutes later. Would he still be in there? Could he be?
turn inside the RR gave me my answer. Yes! And he was still
grooming his head. I ducked passed him into the walled-in
toilet and blew my nose into a tri-folded length of TP. "He's
hearing this now." I thought. I peered over the divider...
and he was gone!
walked quickly out, swearing his reflection was still there,
well groomed and lingering in the mirror... figuring out what
I was up to. "It's only in your head Bob. Move forward. Find
wasn't anywhere in sight. I hurried to that escalator and
saw nothing from that bird's eye vantage. I exited Kmart and
saw not a trace. Had I missed it? Has he won?
line for my coffee I chastised myself for not being braver
with my camera. But I also know that any direct confrontation
with this beast could spell certain doom; guaranteeing me
no further anonymity in my game. Then, as I poured the white
ingredients into my black coffee I see him again, exactly
where I saw him the very first time, there on the corner of
Lafayette & 8th outside of Kmart, waiting to cross the road.
scoundrel!" I said aloud. Ripping a napkin from the dispenser,
then hustling towards my window seat at that corner.
waited for my hands to be filled so that you could make your
escape!" My whispers exposed my obsession to the people
around me. I hastily dropped my backpack and coffee at the
counter, grabbed my camera and moved the chair back with my
ankle. I wasn't going to miss him again.
corner light turned and turned again, and he didn't cross
either way. He just stood there. And with each walk option
he faced the other direction. I was snapping pictures relentlessly.
with the approach of a blond Swedish type girl he shouted
to her. She laughed and pointed. He followed her across the
street, away from where she had pointed, but towards me. This
led him right up to my window. Snap.
not sure what I'm supposed to do. Documenting these attempts.
My failures? My triumphs? Is there a purpose to this? An ideal
conclusion? An end? If there is one then I don't see it in
the near future. It may not even be in this deck of cards.
only person who s really going to be affected by your
offensive display is the very One whom you are ridiculing.
Sadly, you are
one sick person who thinks that this pathetic display of blasphemy
is appealing. The only person who s really going to be affected
by your offensive display is the very One whom you are ridiculing.
Yet even He will forgive you and wants you to see Him as He
May God touch your
life before you die.
you have hinted before, its a free country, but to a certain
extent. "Every man was created equally"... Just a reminder.
This may not fit
in your catagory of "hate-mail", but im sure you wouldn't
mind taking at what I have to say (although it seems you look
at everything you are sent). After reading some of the previously
sent mail from your lists, I tend to find it disturbing how
people try to push the way they think on to you. Personally
I would agree with what you are doing to a certain extent.
I believe everyone is entitled to their own opinions and believes.
But, it is another thing to criticise other people to what
they believe in... Being a christian myself I was not affended
by any of your website. I dont mean to stress anything in
your direction, just making a statement... Like you have hinted
before, its a free country, but to a certain extent. "Every
man was created equally"... Just a reminder.
Every man was created
equally? What are you trying to say? People cannot question
other people's beliefs because we're supposed to be equal?
Your statement makes no sense.
And we are perfectly
allowed to criticize other people's beliefs! In fact, it should
be encouraged and rewarded! Where did you ever get the idea
that you weren't allowed to do such a thing? It is this mentality
that let's idiots continue to be idiots, because it's somehow
rude to show people that what they believe is foolish.
I'm afraid you
need to rephrase your entire letter. I don't think I'm understanding
it correctly, and if I am, then you need to go rethink your
entire thought process.
I would categorize
this as hate mail simply because I think I hate you.
To whom in may
You don't know
me...my name is Jossy. But my name is not important. I don't
consider myself myself to be a great Christian person, but
I strive to be the best person I can be under the direction
of God. Saying this, I'm not one to judge and criticize under
I'm a fun loving
person who enjoys a good laugh. However, I strongly believe
magnets you are selling are morally wrong. The
creators of the magnets took Jesus, our sacred Savior, and
turned his image into a joke. Dressing Jesus up, while he
is being crucified, as the Grinch? I'm appauled. The worst
of this situation is that you, whoever you happen to be (Bob
Smith?), are obviously making loads of money from this blasphemy,
as these magnets are sold out. Its amazing how the majority
of people in this world have lost all feel for what Christmas
is truly about.
I'm sure this
e-mail was nothing more than a small source of entertainment
for you, but its all I can do. Maybe one day, you'll open
your eyes and allow Jesus into your life. Enjoy selling Jesus,
his life, his sacrifice, as a joke while you can!
In God's Grace,
I am the creator
of the Jesus Dress Up refrigerator magnets and I would like
to respond. I am making a great deal of money off of this
item and I'm presently going into a second printing (as well
as preparing a Christmas edition for next year). I can't cancel
the order even if I wanted to. I have so many back orders
it's not even an option.
In fact, there's
been such a huge demand for them that Urban Outfitters is
selling them too, and stores all around the world have been
inquiring about their availability. I've also been having
to deal with the web site getting over 6 million hits a month,
and interviews, speaking engagements, film crews and articles.
There's been such an overwhelming positive response to my
product that I can't foresee dropping the toy because of your
one email. It just isn't that big of a threat, you know?
So, thank you for
the constructive criticism but frankly there's too much monetary
gain to be had with this one mockery of our Savior. I hope
you understand. I'm sure He does. I mean, hell, He's the Primary
find it astounding that with your busy schedule, including
your web site getting 6 million hits a month, interviews,
speaking engagements, film crews, and articles, that you
had the time to responds to my e-mail (in only a few hours
after I initially wrote to you)
I thank you for
your reply. I understand that you are making amazing amounts
of money and it seems as though you've started a great business
for yourself. I find it astounding that with your busy schedule,
including your web site getting 6 million hits a month, interviews,
speaking engagements, film crews, and articles, that you had
the time to responds to my e-mail (in only a few hours after
I initially wrote to you) as it must be one of the millions
that you receive in the past week. You must be a busy man--Do
you ever sleep?
I looked over
your website last night. While I am against your beliefs in
every way imaginable, I give you credit. By reading the "hate
mail" you've received, its obvious that you've attacked a
subject that gets people fired up beyond belief. You're a
witty person and your responses in the hate mail section are
thought provoking, but in my opinion (which obviously doesn't
matter to you) are very twisted. I only wonder what happened
to you that made you so terribly against our Saviour.
I prayed for you
I answer every
single email that I receive, whether it'd be a fan, complaint,
hater, stalker or death threat. I'm just that committed! I
am a busy guy, but I feel very strongly about what I believe.
And hell, it's payin my rent... and then some! Nothing bad
happened to me other than realizing that I'd believed in a
lot of fairy tales once when I was younger, and now (as an
adult) I see them for what they really are: Folklore.
Thanks for reading
some of my site. Hopefully you understand better where I'm
coming from and my explanations for why I believe what I do.
To me there's nothing twisted about it. In fact, I'm prepared
to explain anything anyone might question.
To me it is your
beliefs that seem so bizarre and twisted, what with the talking
animals, magical messiahs, demons, giants, sin-debts and supreme
beings. Have you had any mental problems in your past?
you believe that when your life ends, you will be buried
in the ground and that will be the end of you?
I have only one
question for you...where will you go when you die?
I'm not criticizing,
I'm just questioning. I'm curious...I'd like to know what
you believe. Do you believe that when your life ends, you
will be buried in the ground and that will be the end of you?
Again, I'm not
trying to be cynical, I am just curious
Yes, that is what
I believe. Just as you did not exist before you were born
you will not exist after you die. I mean, hell, where do you
think a grasshopper goes when you step on it? Or the gazelle
that's eaten by a ferocious lion? Do you think they go somewhere
after they die?
Cameron is a sincere man with a heart for God
I was absolutely appalled to find and read your site! The
sad part is, others who are NOT believers will read this trash
on your site, as well. Kirk Cameron is a sincere man with
a heart for God, who doesn't appear to be willing to sell
his soul for money. As for the Left Behind books, have you
actually read all of them and compared them with scripture
in the Bible? It's true--some things are whether we believe
them or not--and, I suggest you do what we will ALL have to
do--make your choice as to where you want to spend eternity.
God uses books and films, such as Left
Behind, to reach those who are lost and have no
other means to see what He has done for them.
Jesus Christ died
for YOU, Bob. He did it freely and without asking for anything
in return. All one must do is follow Him, which is easier
said than done. Jesus paid the price for all of us. I suggest
that rather bashing films that have the interests of those
who desperately need Jesus, as we all do, you search for films
and filmmakers, such as the director of Jeepers Creepers who
is a convicted child molester, and boycott that garbage. Do
something positive with your site--you clearly have ability
and talent to do good things, if you have the courage to do
Putting your faith
into these two no-talents (Kirk Cameron & Jesus Christ) is
your first mistake. Both of them have make-believe skills
and neither of them will ever have a comeback.
And as for the
review of Jeepers Creepers, I've already reviewed that director
for what is probably one of your favorite films: Powder.
Now I'd be curious
to see if you have the courage (the same courage you asked
of me) to look a little deeper into my pages and actually
do the same amount of research before you send another uniformed
is blasphemy and it hurt me
My name is Birgit
Simmelsgaard and I live in Denmark. I have to react on your
homepage with the dress up. In my opinion that is blasphemy
and it hurt me - and I am sure - a lot of people. You do not
respect the feelings of Christians and I ask you to stop this
I wish you a happy
I am in America,
and your God isn't a real thing. To me it seems so foolish
that you would believe in such a silly concept. Have you even
thought about what you're believing in? I mean, are you as
far gone as believing in the talking animals and the lifting
of oceans into the sky? Or are you just in it for the invisible
love that comes from the heavens?
I will have a happy