The Return of Sperm Boy
"The time that has passed between us both has not severed the connection we're denying now."
Normal Bob Smith to Sperm Boy
Introducing Sperm Boy! Pg 109
Where is Sperm Boy today? Pg 110
Last Sperm Boy sighting: Pg 112
Farewell to Sperm Boy: Pg 117

Their emails will be in blue while mine are in black and white.

January 14th, 2004
Today I saw him.

His hair was longer and he was wearing a lamb's skin coat but there was no mistaking. His hat was in hand and he hadn't lost faith in his signature Sperm Boy turtleneck and denims (I must research and see if Enrique Iglesias has this same coat).

I think that he recognized me. I saw him just as I was waiting in line to go to the restroom at Starbucks. He was outdoors standing on the corner outside of Kmart. I couldn't believe my eyes! I freaked out.

I went outside to him and watched him go into Kmart. I timed out my entrance and pursued him inside.

Oddly, another one of my stalking victims was just inside the door, Venus (but more on her another day). I followed him down the isle

I followed him down the isle where he was headed towards the up escalator. I suspected he was going to use the 2nd floor restroom there in Kmart (all of the freeloaders know of it). Then, in a crucial moment, he looked back. He saw me with my camera in hand. I stopped, pretending to browse what turned out to be children's winter coats and snowpants.

He immediately dodged the escalator's first step and cut left to a payphone mounted on the wall close by. I headed towards the escalator, perhaps to get an aerial view of him on the phone. Then, the second I was committed to those moving stairs he hopped on behind me! He trotted up a few steps and placed himself just a few feet behind me.

There I was, on the escalator with Sperm Boy himself. Would I be telling my children of this moment? Did he feel me beckoning him to come? Is that his breath on the back of my neck? I felt so alive!

Only once did I dare glance back over my shoulder on that escalator, just out of the corner of my eye to catch a hint of him.

[There he is again! 4:42pm, walking right in front of me while I write this! Snap.

Christ, I can't even concentrate. This time he definitely saw me. You know of me don't you Sperm Boy? Dodge me if you can. I will win this match. I must! Oh God... I must.]

Where did I leave off? Ah yes, the escalator. When I reached the top I turned right (towards the restrooms). He was behind me. I went in, stood at the urinal and peed. Now all of the toilets were occupied.

Footsteps entered the room. I didn't even have to look up. I knew it was him. He stopped short at the sinks and started putting a comb through his hair, slicking it back the way the ladies have surely requested.

When I was through urinating I backed away and saw him there. His right profile. This was the first close up look I'd gotten of him since a year ago. There he was, grooming himself in a public restroom. Oh Sperm Boy, you are exactly as I had always imagined you to be.

I paced my exit, not stopping to wash my hands for fear of him seeing me reflected in his mirror.

I walked out of the restroom and waited. I stood there outside of the restroom door for a couple minutes. Then, for fear of scaring my prey, I decided to wait for him outside of the store, across the street for when he finally exited.

Five more minutes passed. I was standing in this bitter cold, playing the waiting game with my albino tiger. For a moment I thought about gambling with him eventually going into this Starbucks and simply waiting for him in there. But, instead, I stepped back from that door, hesitated, and decided to return back to exactly where I knew him still to be: The Kmart restrooms.

I reentered the store, passing by Venus & another soon-to-be short lived friend of her's.
"Lightweight!" I shouted. My game was prize and it was in this building! Back up the escalator, turn to the right, around the corner and towards that restroom door... some 10 minutes later. Would he still be in there? Could he be?

A turn inside the RR gave me my answer. Yes! And he was still grooming his head. I ducked passed him into the walled-in toilet and blew my nose into a tri-folded length of TP. "He's hearing this now." I thought. I peered over the divider... and he was gone!

I walked quickly out, swearing his reflection was still there, well groomed and lingering in the mirror... figuring out what I was up to. "It's only in your head Bob. Move forward. Find Sperm Boy."

He wasn't anywhere in sight. I hurried to that escalator and saw nothing from that bird's eye vantage. I exited Kmart and saw not a trace. Had I missed it? Has he won?

In line for my coffee I chastised myself for not being braver with my camera. But I also know that any direct confrontation with this beast could spell certain doom; guaranteeing me no further anonymity in my game. Then, as I poured the white ingredients into my black coffee I see him again, exactly where I saw him the very first time, there on the corner of Lafayette & 8th outside of Kmart, waiting to cross the road.

"You scoundrel!" I said aloud. Ripping a napkin from the dispenser, then hustling towards my window seat at that corner.

"You waited for my hands to be filled so that you could make your escape!" My whispers exposed my obsession to the people around me. I hastily dropped my backpack and coffee at the counter, grabbed my camera and moved the chair back with my ankle. I wasn't going to miss him again.

Each corner light turned and turned again, and he didn't cross either way. He just stood there. And with each walk option he faced the other direction. I was snapping pictures relentlessly.

Then, with the approach of a blond Swedish type girl he shouted to her. She laughed and pointed. He followed her across the street, away from where she had pointed, but towards me. This led him right up to my window. Snap.
I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do. Documenting these attempts. My failures? My triumphs? Is there a purpose to this? An ideal conclusion? An end? If there is one then I don't see it in the near future. It may not even be in this deck of cards.

“The only person who s really going to be affected by your offensive display is the very One whom you are ridiculing.”

Sadly, you are one sick person who thinks that this pathetic display of blasphemy is appealing. The only person who s really going to be affected by your offensive display is the very One whom you are ridiculing. Yet even He will forgive you and wants you to see Him as He really is.

May God touch your life before you die.
David Hill

“Like you have hinted before, its a free country, but to a certain extent. "Every man was created equally"... Just a reminder.”

Subject: Previously read statements...

This may not fit in your catagory of "hate-mail", but im sure you wouldn't mind taking at what I have to say (although it seems you look at everything you are sent). After reading some of the previously sent mail from your lists, I tend to find it disturbing how people try to push the way they think on to you. Personally I would agree with what you are doing to a certain extent. I believe everyone is entitled to their own opinions and believes. But, it is another thing to criticise other people to what they believe in... Being a christian myself I was not affended by any of your website. I dont mean to stress anything in your direction, just making a statement... Like you have hinted before, its a free country, but to a certain extent. "Every man was created equally"... Just a reminder.

Josh Atwell

Every man was created equally? What are you trying to say? People cannot question other people's beliefs because we're supposed to be equal? Your statement makes no sense.

And we are perfectly allowed to criticize other people's beliefs! In fact, it should be encouraged and rewarded! Where did you ever get the idea that you weren't allowed to do such a thing? It is this mentality that let's idiots continue to be idiots, because it's somehow rude to show people that what they believe is foolish.

I'm afraid you need to rephrase your entire letter. I don't think I'm understanding it correctly, and if I am, then you need to go rethink your entire thought process.

I would categorize this as hate mail simply because I think I hate you.


“I strongly believe that these magnets you are selling are morally wrong.”

To whom in may concern:

You don't know name is Jossy. But my name is not important. I don't consider myself myself to be a great Christian person, but I strive to be the best person I can be under the direction of God. Saying this, I'm not one to judge and criticize under normal circumstances

I'm a fun loving person who enjoys a good laugh. However, I strongly believe that these magnets you are selling are morally wrong. The creators of the magnets took Jesus, our sacred Savior, and turned his image into a joke. Dressing Jesus up, while he is being crucified, as the Grinch? I'm appauled. The worst of this situation is that you, whoever you happen to be (Bob Smith?), are obviously making loads of money from this blasphemy, as these magnets are sold out. Its amazing how the majority of people in this world have lost all feel for what Christmas is truly about.

I'm sure this e-mail was nothing more than a small source of entertainment for you, but its all I can do. Maybe one day, you'll open your eyes and allow Jesus into your life. Enjoy selling Jesus, his life, his sacrifice, as a joke while you can!

In God's Grace,
Jossy Newquist

I am the creator of the Jesus Dress Up refrigerator magnets and I would like to respond. I am making a great deal of money off of this item and I'm presently going into a second printing (as well as preparing a Christmas edition for next year). I can't cancel the order even if I wanted to. I have so many back orders it's not even an option.

In fact, there's been such a huge demand for them that Urban Outfitters is selling them too, and stores all around the world have been inquiring about their availability. I've also been having to deal with the web site getting over 6 million hits a month, and interviews, speaking engagements, film crews and articles. There's been such an overwhelming positive response to my product that I can't foresee dropping the toy because of your one email. It just isn't that big of a threat, you know?

So, thank you for the constructive criticism but frankly there's too much monetary gain to be had with this one mockery of our Savior. I hope you understand. I'm sure He does. I mean, hell, He's the Primary Forgiver, right?


“I find it astounding that with your busy schedule, including your web site getting 6 million hits a month, interviews, speaking engagements, film crews, and articles, that you had the time to responds to my e-mail (in only a few hours after I initially wrote to you)”

Hello Bob,

I thank you for your reply. I understand that you are making amazing amounts of money and it seems as though you've started a great business for yourself. I find it astounding that with your busy schedule, including your web site getting 6 million hits a month, interviews, speaking engagements, film crews, and articles, that you had the time to responds to my e-mail (in only a few hours after I initially wrote to you) as it must be one of the millions that you receive in the past week. You must be a busy man--Do you ever sleep?

I looked over your website last night. While I am against your beliefs in every way imaginable, I give you credit. By reading the "hate mail" you've received, its obvious that you've attacked a subject that gets people fired up beyond belief. You're a witty person and your responses in the hate mail section are thought provoking, but in my opinion (which obviously doesn't matter to you) are very twisted. I only wonder what happened to you that made you so terribly against our Saviour.

I prayed for you last night,
Jossy Newquist

I answer every single email that I receive, whether it'd be a fan, complaint, hater, stalker or death threat. I'm just that committed! I am a busy guy, but I feel very strongly about what I believe. And hell, it's payin my rent... and then some! Nothing bad happened to me other than realizing that I'd believed in a lot of fairy tales once when I was younger, and now (as an adult) I see them for what they really are: Folklore.

Thanks for reading some of my site. Hopefully you understand better where I'm coming from and my explanations for why I believe what I do. To me there's nothing twisted about it. In fact, I'm prepared to explain anything anyone might question.

To me it is your beliefs that seem so bizarre and twisted, what with the talking animals, magical messiahs, demons, giants, sin-debts and supreme beings. Have you had any mental problems in your past?


“Do you believe that when your life ends, you will be buried in the ground and that will be the end of you?”

I have only one question for you...where will you go when you die?

I'm not criticizing, I'm just questioning. I'm curious...I'd like to know what you believe. Do you believe that when your life ends, you will be buried in the ground and that will be the end of you?

Again, I'm not trying to be cynical, I am just curious

Jossy Newquist


Yes, that is what I believe. Just as you did not exist before you were born you will not exist after you die. I mean, hell, where do you think a grasshopper goes when you step on it? Or the gazelle that's eaten by a ferocious lion? Do you think they go somewhere after they die?


“Kirk Cameron is a sincere man with a heart for God”

Subject: Movie suggestions?

I was absolutely appalled to find and read your site! The sad part is, others who are NOT believers will read this trash on your site, as well. Kirk Cameron is a sincere man with a heart for God, who doesn't appear to be willing to sell his soul for money. As for the Left Behind books, have you actually read all of them and compared them with scripture in the Bible? It's true--some things are whether we believe them or not--and, I suggest you do what we will ALL have to do--make your choice as to where you want to spend eternity. God uses books and films, such as Left Behind, to reach those who are lost and have no other means to see what He has done for them.

Jesus Christ died for YOU, Bob. He did it freely and without asking for anything in return. All one must do is follow Him, which is easier said than done. Jesus paid the price for all of us. I suggest that rather bashing films that have the interests of those who desperately need Jesus, as we all do, you search for films and filmmakers, such as the director of Jeepers Creepers who is a convicted child molester, and boycott that garbage. Do something positive with your site--you clearly have ability and talent to do good things, if you have the courage to do them.

God bless.

Putting your faith into these two no-talents (Kirk Cameron & Jesus Christ) is your first mistake. Both of them have make-believe skills and neither of them will ever have a comeback.

And as for the review of Jeepers Creepers, I've already reviewed that director for what is probably one of your favorite films: Powder.

Now I'd be curious to see if you have the courage (the same courage you asked of me) to look a little deeper into my pages and actually do the same amount of research before you send another uniformed complaint.


“that is blasphemy and it hurt me”

My name is Birgit Simmelsgaard and I live in Denmark. I have to react on your homepage with the dress up. In my opinion that is blasphemy and it hurt me - and I am sure - a lot of people. You do not respect the feelings of Christians and I ask you to stop this

I wish you a happy New Year.

Birgit Simmelsgaard


I am in America, and your God isn't a real thing. To me it seems so foolish that you would believe in such a silly concept. Have you even thought about what you're believing in? I mean, are you as far gone as believing in the talking animals and the lifting of oceans into the sky? Or are you just in it for the invisible love that comes from the heavens?

I will have a happy New Year.


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