next email was a very difficult for me to choose a make-believe
picture for. I felt that it was an important story to share but
the sender wanted to stay anonymous because he was still going through
a fairly difficult time in his life.
(perhaps it was fate), I ran across some pictures of a gentleman
who's modeling career is based on his goofy-assed resemblance to
David Letterman... and a complete lack of dignity.
(I'm talking too much) I just hope you're as moved by the following
as I was.
I'd appreciate you taking your time to read this mail and I guess
you don't have to reply if you don't want to, I just really needed
to tell someone about the way I feel and you seem to have gone through
the same phase I'm currently in...
I've been a Christian nearly my whole life now and I supposed I
first got into it not because I really believed or because I was
touched by God, but just because I was going through a pretty rough
period in my life when I felt that everything was out of control
and messed up and I might have even created a savior in my own mind
out of the need to believe that everything would eventually turn
out all right, that He was still in control, and basically just
to hope. It's easy being a Christian. It's reassuring to know that
someone's always looking out for you and believing in the total
forgiveness and remission of sins and all that.
was always a place where I could find security and surround myself
with people who I knew cared and wouldn't reject me. The gospel
was exactly what I needed to hear in my loneliness and insecurity,
that at least someone up there loves me and always looks out for
me. I know it sounds totally pathetic but that s how it started.
guess people who didn't know me well would have said I was a pretty
strong Christian, or at least serious about all this god stuff,
and all my peers were too, and basically my whole world was revolving
around the church for a while.
earlier this year I began to feel increasingly empty and that all
this wasn't enough. God didn't satisfy anymore and I blamed my self,
my lack of faith my doubts.
always had my doubts about certain truths in the bible, about Noah's
ark and the world being created in 7 days and evolution and all
the things that never made any sense, scientifically. And whenever
I asked these hard questions I got no answers and I was even told
to just forget about it, stop questioning God and to just have faith.
So I just pushed these doubts down and tried to ignore it for a
while. But does God really demand and expect nothing short of sheep
like behavior and blind faith? And I tried really hard to get back
in with God, even fasting and praying but no answer. And still I
held on and told myself that it wasn't a big problem, just a dry
I went through a really bad time when I guess I basically lost myself,
if you know what I mean. I was doing stupid dangerous unchristianly
things, partly to spite god and partly just because all the following
orders in church had made me incapable of thinking for myself, or
thinking, for that matter. I'm not blaming the church, mind you,
I blame myself for my own stupidity but I guess I just really needed
to a vent, of sorts after being so repressed in church.
self destructive behavior forced me to realize that I was lying
to myself when I called my self a Christian because in my heart
I really don't believe in Christ and I wonder of I ever did.
spoke to my pastor a few months back and told her that I wanted
out and I haven't been to church since. It was hard at first, lonely
and it felt like a really bad breakup but really things have only
gotten better since.
I still get scared of dying and of hell and the possibility that
I might just be damning myself. And It's tough, knowing that this
decision I made has hurt so many people around me, I can't talk
to my friends about this because I know that they'll all just reject
the idea outright, and I used to get several calls a week from concerned
church members who wonder what happened to me, and I really can't
stand it, people looking at me and seeing me as a salvation number?
now? I supposed I'm still somewhere in between, deciding what to
do with myself (at least now the choice is mine!!) and I've been
reading Stephen Hawking and Carl Sagan and trying to weigh the facts
for myself. There's still a part of me that's kinda holding on to
God, whether out of true faith or just neediness, and maybe I haven't
given up on him and I might still go back to church someday but
at least this time I'll know that I made the choice based on actual
conviction and not just because I cant handle being responsible
that's it. Thanks man for reading. After all the crap my devout
Christian friends have given me it's just really nice to find out
that there are people out there who at least think like I do.