A Farewell to Sperm Boy

Oh, and some hate mail too.

Their emails will be in blue
while mine are in black and white.

Introducing Sperm Boy! Pg 109
Where is Sperm Boy today? Pg 110
Last Sperm Boy sighting: Pg 112

Sperm Boy,
now you have gone.
By Normal Bob Smith
© 2003

It has been months since your last sighting and I know that it is because of me and my behavior. I know that your disappearance is a result of my overbearing interest in you.

I can sit here and make believe you are replaceable. I mean, who needs you? There are others... like this guy!

But who am I kidding? I am fooling no one. None are as good as you. None fill that void you have left. And no one else has a big black bag with them everywhere they go. People are not so easily interchangeable.

The irreplaceable Sperm Boy

Only you had that Sperm Boy smile, and a winter stocking cap that you would wear indoors... even on really hot days.

Only you had the courage to wear a turtleneck sweater with a matching knitted skull cap 5 days in a row... without any consideration for the weather.

You conceived the idea of returning to the exact same building every single day to use the same lines to pick up girls. You dared to be more handsome than anybody else, then rub it in our faces. You, Sperm Boy stole our hearts.

Where have you gone Sperm Boy? Did you find love? Did you plant your seed then abandon the garden? Perhaps you could be somewhere now watching me? But no. Deep in the pit of my stomach I know that you are now probably a millionaire super model somewhere in Paris France.

Do you remember that day I saw you in your black outfit? You looked so lost, yet you stuck with it for the whole day.

And remember that day when we had the blizzard that was in the top 5 blizzards in New York's history and you still walked around in that same outfit without even a jacket? It was your handsomeness that kept you warm that day... that and a knitted cap.

You spent your days collecting phone numbers, your evenings going through your pocket change to make calls from pay phones, and your nights making sweet sweet love.

Oh, I'll carry on... I must! Because I know that one day you'll return and you will shine victorious. I see you in a new white Sperm Boy tuxedo, with a white knitted top hat, tails, bow tie and all. You will have two girls under each arm and you'll be handing out five dollar bills to everyone you see.

I will be on the sidelines telling the stranger next to me:
"I knew him when he only had the one outfit. Back when I believed in heroes and 'Happily Ever Afters".

“do you believe in satin?”

Ok um...your whole jesus dress up thing I really don't care for but im not going to sit here and call you names because of it...however I do take offense to it because I was raised a christian and I strongly believe in Jesus...I do have a question for you, do you believe in satin? do you worship him? If you could just answer that and email me back cause im so confused on most of the things I read on your site.

Thanks Trisha

Oh Trisha, you're being so flirtatious with that question! Do I worship satin? I'd be delighted to answer you that, but first why do you want to know? Do you have something in mind? I prefer silk but satin will do nicely too. I'll even worship it if you're into that sort of thing. That sounds so very very nice. Mmmmmmmm satin. Thank you for your luscious email Green Eyes. You put a smile on my face.

All yours,

“ugh you are too far away for me hun”

Ok maybe that wasn't the answer I was looking for lol but it works I guess um...thanks for emailing me back and ugh you are too far away for me hun ok well bye bye

Thanks Trisha

“your a sick asshole

your a sick asshole

Paul Sheldon

No no no. Once again this is a total obliteration of the English language. What you meant to say was "you're a sick asshole". It's an abbreviation of "you are", as in "YOU ARE the sick asshole!"

It's similar to the word "I'm" being a combination of the words "I am". Here, you try this one. Repeat after me: "I'm a sick asshole."
You see? Now doesn't that make better sense?


“I don't care to hear your rebuttal”

Hi Bob,

I came upon your webpage quite by accident, and just thought I would pray for you, and send a word from my heart. It is very obvious that you are very angry inside because of something that has happened to you during your life. I know nothing I say will change you, but I pray that God will, in time. I just want to repeat what many others have stated to you. God loves you very much. He knows what you think before you think it, and knows the number of hairs on your head. He created you and gave you free will. You are allowed to say and feel what you want to, and also free to choose what you will, but if you choose to be a rebel, and reject the love of God, you will also reap what you sow.

I don't care to hear your rebuttal, and will not come back to this sight to see it. I will only continue to pray that God will reveal Himself to you and shower you with His love that is unconditional, even though you badmouth the very One who died for your sin. I pray He will soften your heart, to hear His still small voice inside of you. He created you, and He knows you intimately. Only He can calm your anger, and change your bitter spirit. I pray He will cause you to experience His glory, and change your heart, not for anyone else's sake, but your own. God bless you with His peace that passes all understanding, and make His face to shine upon you. I love you with the love He has placed in my heart. I pray you learn about that kind of love....it's called agape love.

Praise be to His Holy Name forever for His mercy that is brand new every morning, and His love toward you and me.

Forgiven and changed by His Love


I think you'd have been a better Christian if you hadn't judged and labeled me (angry, bitter, etc.) but instead humbled yourself enough to accept any response I might have had. Doing this would not have effected my atheist beliefs in any way but at least you wouldn't have so blatantly exposed your reasons for emailing me.

You've shown that the love you have for me is as empty and pointless as the love you believe shines from His face.

That shit messes with people's heads yo.


“I am not quite sure why you would want to be so offensive”

I am not quite sure why you would want to be so offensive. But then, may be you don't either.


It's amusing to me, that's why.

“Ultimately, respecting people and their beliefs makes for a better world”

Well, I think it sad that you find it 'amusing' mocking a person's faith and belief. Maybe you are indifferent to others - that I think is hardly amusing. Ultimately, respecting people and their beliefs makes for a better world but then, I guess you wouldn't find that 'amusing.'


Maybe you'll relate to it better if I put it in this context.

Imagine meeting a grown adult who still believed in Santa Claus. Would you respect that person's belief? Or might you at some point mention to a friend how you did not respect that person's belief?

I think that your answer to this scenario will tell a lot about you.


“I think that there is a difference between expressing your scepticism”

I think that there is a difference between expressing your scepticism, to put it mildly, and outright hostility shown by mocking a person's faith. The reality is, as aforesaid, faith. I do not subscribe to Islam nor, to aspects of secular society; I may comment on them which may be influenced by my faith, but and here is the key point: I respect the holders' view and do not try to denigrate this overtly, as you have done. The aspect of concern would be a direct harm to others.

I am sure that you do not mean to be highly offensive and will hopefully at some juncture act accordingly. You need to understand that a lot of people find comfort from their faith - some in complete despair. You also need to know that you analogy with Santa Claus is more relevant than you intended: my faith tells me to come to the Lord as a child, you might call it blind faith.


Skepticism is for those who are unsure.

Perceiving my site as "highly offensive" means there is a lack of some very basic humor senses.

And for those whose comfort in their faith is shattered by my Dress Up page, well they need to grow up.





Presently the magnets are not available in quantities exceeding 1,000 units. We apologize for this inconvenience and hope that you will continue shopping at all of our fine stores.

Your patronage is appreciated.

“Jesus Dress Up is offensive.”

I respect your ability in art/pc skills, but feel that your Jesus Dress Up is offensive.


Oh go ass-fuck a rodeo clown you faggot cowboy fuck.

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