Sure, you call yourself fans.
You think that you do the things that are expected of a fan,
but you don't.
Because out there... out there are

Real Fans

...and they do wonderful wonderful things for me.

Much to my shock (and disappointment in you all), it has taken more than a year for the address Normal Bob Smith Fan Club.com to be reserved.

But now it seems that one of my obsessed stalkers has gone and opened up a Fan Club in my name. I would have called the police if only she wasn't doing such a wonderful job honoring her hero... me.

There's a message board, a chat room, delightful pictures of me (that I was happy to donate), and much much more.

She has told me that for ANY who come against me or the Fan Club, she'll be more than willing to kidnap their pets (and sell them back at a very high price). If you do not have pets, she will do something unhappy to you that involves battery acid and a spoon.

So look out for good times, new friends, games, galleries and gossip. But most importantly... Jesus Christ.

NOW OPEN

Hey Bob,
Just wanted to let you know I love your dress up jesus. I love your twisted sense of humor. Hmmm kinda reminds me of me! lol Hate that you beat me to it wished I'd had thought of it! You're great.
Now you need playtime jesus to go with a playtime mary haha.

---------

It's me again Angie. I just read some of your hate mail and was roflmmfao. I want you to be the mother of my children sweetie? Keep it up, I love to piss off those jesus crispies!!!!! Hey this chick in this community I am in had this idea for a halloween costume. It is Jesus all covered in blood wearing a t-shirt that says "I was nailed to a stick for you now give me some fucking candy". Just wanted to share that with ya.

Later, askmorgana or (Angie) .

Morgana? I must know more about you.
Please tell me now.

What would you like to know? I am just a crazy ole bat. (haha). I check my yahoo and hotmail addresses more often that is why I didn't get this til now. Didn't realize you wrote me back? Sorry!

From the looks of it, you are as nuts as I am!

hehe Angie

I have been creating banners as they come to me... so be sure to check them out every so often. They're all for you! Take them!

A Real Fan who's eager to help out.

Subject: Start Driving.

Dear Mr. Bob,
I thought it would be nice to let you know that I am going to be the future mother of your children. I have a tongue, as seen here>
so more than likely, our children will also have tongues, and this is a GOOD thing. I do not cook, I will not clean, and I refuse to take a bath without my rubber duck and Mr. Bubble.

Please, write these things down, you'll need them for future reference. Do you have a wife? It doesn't matter, but in the case that you do, we must now refer to her as "Lucy". Lucy will sleep with me, not you. I will bring my cat, you must love her as you'd love a hairy child. I really must start packing my bags, there are many, and you shall carry them all.

xoxoxo,
Future Mother of your Children

p.s. Love the website, your drawings turned me on *purrr*

To the nameless bedazzler,
I have read your letter and I have seen the picture you have sent. I accept your offer and would like to begin procreating with you immediately.

You will not cook. You will not clean.
I have recently purchased an 8 pound drum of Mr. Bubble and a crate of government approved standard rubber duckies. I will be personally supervising the baths you take so that I can ensure that these items are readily at hand at all times. If you refuse to take your bath I will then have to take matters into my own hands, cleaning you by whatever means necessary.

I have no wife, so feel free to bring a friend. Where shall we make babies?

Bob
PS. I hope that your brow is pierced. It is a requirement of the girl who'll mother my children..

Dear Mr. Bob,

We really must start thinking about baby names. You do realize you'll have to meet my family, right? Don't fret, they are good people. Before we begin mating, there are a few things you might need to know about me:

1. Yes, my brow is pierced, along with my belly button and tongue, with plans of getting both nipples done as a birthday present to myself

2. I am a nympho

3. I am a college student, which explains #2

4. Pictures can be seen here to give you some idea of what the future mother of your children looks like...some pictures are not very up-to-date, but for the most part, everything is still in it's original position

5. I drool sometimes

6. I insist on licking every drop of butter from my popcorn bags

7. A bed isn't required, in fact, I prefer the floor.

8. Handcuffs.

If you have any questions /comments/ ideas/ demands, please feel free to get in touch with me.
xoxoxo,
S.

Babies? ...oh yeah. You're talking about the babies born from our mating. How about we call them baby 1, baby 2, baby 3, and so on? You get the idea.

Now back to you being a nympho! You aren't going to believe this, but I'm a nympho too! I'm not kidding. I love sex. I've also found that I'm very compatible with college girls who have tongue piercings. I would ask however that you no longer refer to yourself as "mother". And I'd be happy to meet your parents some time down the road. 10 - 20 years? Maybe at their funeral?

We're gonna have a blast. I've already used up 2 of the rubber ducks, so you'd better hurry before I go through all of them.

Bob
And then other Real Fans just want to help out with the Hate Letters...

hello bob,

i am a long time reader of your website (well, is 2 months long? seems like it...). i have enjoyed your artfully created site, your wonderful artwork, and clever rebuttals. i was reading hate mail #43, and was astounded by what Darlene had to say about christian symbolism. she could not be more wrong!! it is a documented FACT that christianity STOLE all it's iconography from greek/roman mythology (and various other pagan mythology/art). we learned it in Art History, Introduction to Midieval Art (since midieval art is mostly religious, we had to learn the histroy of christian iconography). here are a few points you could email back to her, just to prove how false their idol is (since it's based on paganism...).

1. the snakes entwined around the pole is an attribute for HERMES, the messenger of the greek gods (i can't remember his roman name, but same guy). this icon for him has been around since pre-hellenistic times (ie before 500 BCE). hermes is also known for being the inventor of the lyre.

2. the rainbow is the attribute for IRIS, goddess of such thing and chief beloved attendant to HERA. same timeline on that one.

4. BC and AD were added to callendars after the fall of rome, when time was measured since the inception on the western callendar by Julius Caesar (hence, the Julian callendar that we follow). after Rome fell, people were stranded with religion, and the christians being the greedy buggers they were, decided to rule everybody and change everything so that no memory of the pagan times would survive and nobody could convert back. (they didn't particularly succeed, thank you Charlemagne, first Holy Roman Emperor!) and actually, AD and BC haven't been used for a while, instead BCE (before the common era) and CE (common era) are used for such dillineations (sp?), in every academic and professional field.

and one more for good measure: 4. the church building itself, the BASILICA, is directly taken from Rome. a basilica was a forum hall, where justice was meeted out and people gathered to have audience with the emperor (or his minion) for disputes. they just added the cross bar to make it a cross, and even that wasn't added until the 1200's (900 years after it was instigated as the state religion in rome, leaving behind it's cult nomenclature).

keep up the good work bob. and if you need any more help on iconography or history, feel free to email me. i'm happy to give up the knowledge i have won to help somebody else become a more learned person.

Samantha

I work too much and it takes time away from Normal Bob Smith.com. I sent you an email awhile back but it never made it, your addresses seem to have changed. As I was taking a quick look through the pages, I realized my last contacts with you were placed on an "unhappy fans" page. That makes me sad. I'm not unhappy with you Bob, I'm happy just knowing there are people out there like you.

I also wanted to ask you if you answer all your emails yourself, or if other people answer some of them with you. Call me crazy, it's just that something seems off lately. Don't jump the shark. And while I was thinking about that, a funny paranoid thought came into my head. What if christians find and capture you and take over you website. Then they slowly work thier manipulative ways through brainwashing to turn your fans aginst the icon Normal Bob.

And then they have a database of every angry christian that ever wrote to you. They would have an army! Then everything in the world would suck. I'm also thinking that maybe the recent Starvin Marvin in Space South Park episode is effecting me. You have to see it. They might have put an end to missionary work and Sally Struthers at the same time. Well, time for me to go. I like your banners.

Bye
Sara.

Sara!
Of course I answer all of my emails myself. If something sounds a bit off it's probably because my mood has definitely changed since I first put this site up (over a year ago). I'm not saying that it's changed for better or worse. I'm human. Things change. I only hope it's not getting less funny.
If that starts to happen, I'll take a break.

I don't think that there's any way of me getting brainwashed. You do realize that some of the last few pages of Hate Mail I've been playing a character of sorts? Page 50 I was the dimwitted party guy, Page 49 I was the oblivious car sales man. I've also played the "Easily suckered moron" (Jessica Files), the "Impressed by criminal-acts punk kid" (The Tyler files) and many many others.

What made you think I was off?
So have you put one of the banners on your site (if you have a site)?
Good to hear from you again.
I'm interested in what you see that has changed.
Bob

Bob!

I'm glad. I almost didn't say anything because it's insulting to insiuate such a thing. I was just worried that you got a girlfriend or something and were so infatuated you let her answer some emails to include her in your life. Well, I didn't take you for that kind of guy, so it didn't make sense. I did realize you take on personas and lead people on to think they're actually getting to you and then at the end you make them feel dumb. I think it's pretty funny, but it must have been the dim witted character I was reading and didn't realize you were doing it on purpose. You were getting me worried. As a compliment to you, I didn't think you could be dim witted, so I thought it was someone else. It was subtle, and that's where the off came in. I like your real responses best. NoBS..

I would put a banner on my website if I had one. But my website would just be one to say go to your website because it would be better than mine : ). You aren't getting less funny. But I think it would be interesting for you to cover topics other than religion. I like to hear all your opinions. I think that people are still responding to your dress-up jesus and that dominates the communications. But hey, it's worked so far.

Oh! And I didn't say that you would be brainwashed, I said that christians would capture you and maybe keep you alive but unable to communicate like in the movie Seven, and then brainwash your fans. But I just made it all up. I don't really think it would happen. When I come home for lunch, I watch Jenny Jones because it makes me sick and I like getting angry at it for some reason. But I realized it's done in Chicago and that's where you live. So I was wondering if you could go wait outside in the alley and kill all the guests that come out eveyday. I think it's something that really needs to be done. Are you tempted? : ) Thank you!

Sara
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