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Skaters

Over the past several years of Amazing Strangers I have attempted to verbally illustrate to you the details of each of the several groups which commune at Union Square South. The Gravers, Scenesters, Models, Junkies and even Free Hugs have all had their dissection in full portrait. So now it is time for...

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1. Upturned sun visor. Skater's have many distictive traits, one of which is the upturned sun visor. It is meant to make the skater's head look like an upside down duck head. It's easy to do this wrong and look like an idiot, but the skater to the right is doing it perfectly.
2. Typical face of a Skater >> scruffy, gnashing teeth, beedy-eyed mug that only Aphex Twin could love.
3. Chest hair. Lots and lots of chest hair. In fact, there's hair everywhere, tits, belly, back, ass. Skater's are all about the body hair everywhere!
4. State-trooper shades hung on the collar for easy reach and casual, laid-back appearance.
5. Wrist sweatband to match shirt. Wristbands help keep sweat from dripping off onto your board while you're hangin' out. This is important because an authentic skater spends a lot of time standing with board in hand.
6. Partial-tuck of shirt in front of belt. This is to show off belt buckle even if the buckle is just a rope knot, or a stone set bolo tie, or mother's earring.
authentic skater
7. Long Board. True skaters ride long boards.
8. Cutoff khakis. Most skater's generally agree, cuttoff khakis or cutoff dress slacks are standard.
9. Pink V-neck tee. The draping pink V-neck tee is a staple in the skater wardrobe. When V-neck isn't available, dangle glasses from collar for similar effect.
10. Flip flops. Every NYC skater knows this. It's so basic. If you're skatin' you're wearin' your flip flops. A no brainer.




This is Billy Rohan. Billy is a well known skateboarder. He has a serious chemical imbalance in his head. Seriously. This isn't drugs. Billy is just off, and I was lucky enough to catch him at Union Square doing some of his latest tricks. [Above video]

This first trick is called "Through The Puddle." This is where Billy skates to the puddle, then goes through it on his belly, while a junkie takes his skateboard around to the other side of the puddle for Billy to crawl onto and land this trick on all fours. It's really impressive. Like, half a skateboarding trick, and the other half is more freestyle puddle-swimming-something or other.

Next, Billy Rohan isn't really a skateboarding. It's quite simply titled "Puddle Angel." It's pretty self explanatory, as you'll see. And no, he wasn't performing for the camera on this one. This one was before he even knew I was filming him. This is just what Billy Rohan does at the park.

The last one Billy Rohan does his most impressive new trick. One that Skater Bob is still trying to learn. I call it the "Bucking Bronco Billy," and this particular version goes right through the middle of the now infamous Union Square puddle. I swear, this trick needs to be logged away into the Skater Encyclopedia, all credit given to Billy Rohan.

Billy made it all happen. He gave the crowd the best show ever. This is what Billy Rohan has been up to lately, and that is now officially the Billy Rohan Puddle.





Photo by Normal Bob

This is called a "Mall Grab." It's how a guy holds his skateboard who's on his way to the mall, and every true skater knows that you do NOT EVER hold your board by the trucks if you consider yourself any kind of a skateboarder at all! And who better to be performing the Mall Grab but a Scenester?


Sometimes things just come full circle and make absolute sense no matter how you look at it.


Photo by Normal Bob

Skater Bob ran after these three because they were all doing the Mallgrab, and they looked like they should be doing the Mallgrab. However the picture was ruined for me when he told me they were all from Spain. Is the Mallgrab as funny if they're from Spain? I dunno. To me it's not.


Photo by Normal Bob

The Everything Skater.
The dorag, hat to the side, earring and black skin says: "50 Cent."


The Ramones tee, and about a third of that spiked bracelet says: "Punkrock."


The other two-thirds of that bracelet and the black leather motorcycle glove with the fingers cut out says: "Graver."


And the pants, shoes and skateboard say: "Skater."
These are all the ingredients necessary for an Everything Skater.




skater chick
Movies by Normal Bob

This is what skater chicks are supposed to be. Part eye-popping and part tomboy. A little pretty, and a little punk. Sweet and stinky. She'll flirt while she picks at scabs. Nothin' wrong with that.


skaterdouche
Movies by Normal Bob

I gave this little jerk one of my Authentic Skater flyers and the skitzoid went BALISTIC on my ass! No joke! He totally flipped out and charged me with his skateboard and then he told me to get a job! He told ME to get a JOB! I was like, "What the!?! I'm the grownup! And you're the little kid! I tell you what to do! Not the other way around!"


Well apparently he wasn't havin' any of that.


Photo by Normal Bob

This girl really got under Skater Bob's skin. To me she's just another cute chick with a skateboard who was partially offended by my flier, but really couldn't express why.
But what Skater Bob thinks is...
"First of all, this cunt is a fucking poser that does not even know how to hold a skateboard. Just like everyone else that hopped on the band wagon she bought a skateboard and now she thinks she is down with skaters!! I give it 4 years! And every time she sees a skater she will say to them 'hey can i try your skateboard? I used to skate.' People like her have turned skateboarding into a pussy ESPN sport!"

skater bob foes
Movie by Normal Bob

So Skater Bob's skatin' at Union and he rolls past this family walkin' up Union Sq. East, and one of the kids in the family shouts shit at him, so Bob waves the middle finger at him, and the kid's mother flies into a rage, so Bob tells her to "take it to the hood," and she calls him a white devil, to which Bob gives her the tongue and...


You know what? I'll just let Skater Bob tell it.


 

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Insults written strangely are describing strangers I have to see every single day and I don't want them to be sure what it means either.
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